Armchair Cook: A Food Network Addict

Update: Food Network says 'subliminal message'

2007-01-26T10:31:00.000-08:00

I posted Sunday night about a McDonald's ad flashing for a few seconds during Iron Chef America. The AP reports that the McDonald's logo that flashed on the screen was:

a technical error on our part and not a subliminal message as suggested by a Web site running the slow-motion playback," said Food Network spokesman Mark O'Connor.

This is being discussed all over the web!

Do you buy it? Do you think it was a technical glitch or subliminal advertising?

And the Iron Chef winner is...McDonalds?!

2007-01-21T20:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight was an otherwise ordinary edition of Iron Chef until the last few minutes. While they were going over the contestants' entries, there was a spilt-second flash of...something on the screen. I backed up the TiVo and watched it frame by frame, only to see this for one frame:

Um, what?

I checked out YouTube and someone has already uploaded the clip. Check it out; it is truly bizarre. Was it an employee prank? Is McDonald's into subliminal advertising? Was it a viral marketing ploy?

The Twelve Days of Christmas, revisited

2006-12-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

Originally posted December 23, 2005:

Ah, the holidays. Vacations are starting, guests are coming in, much chocolate and wine is being consumed. The next time I see y'all, it'll probably be 2006.

Everyone have a fantastic holiday season!

....On the twelfth day of Christmas, Food Network gave to me:

Twelve Giadas grinning

Eleven Saras sniping

Ten Sticks of butter

Nine Bobbys boasting

Eight Daves a-twitching

Seven Tylers flirting

Six Dirty restaurants

Five Ra-chael Rays!

Four Emerils yelling

Three french hens

Two Alton Browns

And...

One hungover Sandra Lee

Do we need a recount? Iron Chef Superstar Battle

2006-11-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

It was Batali and Ray versus Flay and De Laurentiis. The winner, by a thin margin, was Rachael and Mario!

Like so many things on the Food Network these days, I had a hard time getting through this show. I was alternately bored and irritated. I was going to recap this show, but JordanBaker beat me to it with this hilarious liveblog!

Rachael's manic personality served her well in this challenge. Giada seemed like she was stressed out. I did find Mario/Rachael's dishes to be slightly more appealing than Bobby/Giada's, so I can live with this verdict.

I think Flay and Giada should get a regular show together. I liked their interaction.

In other news, I still can't stand Rachael Ray.

I am a Mario Batali agnostic, though I am intrigued by the reports that he dated Courtney Love.

In general, I'd still rather hang out with Giada (and Bobby!).

FoodNetwork.com, Watch your Back!

2006-11-02T10:37:00.000-08:00

Food Network seems to be getting left in the dust lately. Not only are PBS and Bravo turning out shows that Food Network should be doing, but now my home page is changing to Yahoo! Food.

FoodNetwork.com is slow, hard to navigate, and their recipe search function is terrible. Sure, I'll still have to go there for recipes from Ina, Giada, or Nigella, but Yahoo Food is going to be my one stop shop for general recipes and All Things Martha. The local dining guides and food videos will be helpful, too. Check it out!

A Feast for the Eyes and the Palette: Nigella Lawson

2006-10-30T17:02:00.000-08:00

While I was complaining about Rachael Ray and Paula Deen, an unexpectedly delightful show has moved onto the Food Network. I'm talking, of course, about Nigella Feasts.

Let's get the shallow stuff out of the way: I believe Nigella Lawson is one of the most beautiful women in the world. This is a woman who looks as great in a robe as she does in a little black dress. Her fair skin is gorgeous and her hair has the kind of volume I've been trying to achieve my entire life. As for her figure? Well, I don't know who wouldn't notice those curves!

While she is a striking beauty in photos, it is only enhanced by her classy yet unassuming demeanor she displays on television. In both her shows and her books she is wonderfully playful with language without getting too punny or precious. She is obviously a woman of great intelligence and wit, but is grounded enough to poke fun at her lack of professional chef training and imperfections as a mother.

But the real question is, can she cook? Without a doubt, yes. She shuns low-fat cooking, opting for taste, and uses quality ingredients. Nigella Feasts, which is based on the book of the same name, has featured several dishes that looked delicious.

Yesterday's show featured breakfast foods. While the granola and the raspberry swirl looked good, the real wonder of the show was how Nigella was able to cook some late night drunken grub food (Bacon and Tomato Hash*) wearing a slinky black cocktail dress and not come off like a cheap lush. If Sandra Lee tried the same maneuver, it would be more embarrassing than endearing.

I know that some think Nigella distracts from her cooking by playing up her looks, but I disagree. Nigella's coy looks and sensuous language add to the appeal of her cooking. This isn't staged gimmickry like Sandra Lee's backgrounds and low cut costumes; Nigella is comfortable in her skin and is not shy about showing that she loves to cook. Her love for cooking is apparent in the same way as it is with the other best Food Network shows: Barefoot Contessa, Everyday Italian, Easy Entertaining. On the flip side, the worst Food Network shows are hosted by cooks who clearly would rather be doing anything else: Semi-Homemade, the last few seasons of 30-Minute Meals, and especially Quick Fix Meals . No one is saying that cooks should spend an eternity in the kitchen, but like any other profession, if a cook has love for their work it will show.

My only complaint about Nigella Feasts is the schizophrenic camera work. I thought Barefoot Contessa was bad, but that's nothing compared to the artsy pretensions that go on over at Nigella Feasts. Cameramen: we know Nigella is gorgeous, but we do not need to count her pores. We also do not need to view Nigella through a row of hanging utensils. Hopefully the handheld camera look will go out of fashion soon and we can get back to concentrating on Nigella's cooking.

Food Network has been headed in the wrong direction lately, but adding Nigella to the lineup gives me hope. Now only if they could bring back Mario and Tony.

Nigella's life story is worth a read. She is not only an accomplished cook, but an accomplished journalist as well. She's also experienced a lot of tragedy, losing her mother, sister and husband to cancer.

¹The recipe isn't listed on the Food Network site; what gives?

How long before this really happens?

2006-10-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

From our friends at The Onion:

Rachael Ray Snaps Chicken's Neck Live On Air

Food Network Tidbits

2006-09-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

(and more Rachael Ray Show fallout, naturally.)

First, a few Food Network items:

If you read nothing else today, check out this informative, insightful article about the Food Network from Bill Buford at the New Yorker. He lays out the concrete reasons why the Food Network has changed over the last couple years.
This Details feature is called Sexpots in the Kitchen. Enough said.

Now for the Rachael Ray gossip:

Radar is reporting behind-the-scenes strife at the Rachael Ray show.
Apparently the Rachael-branded appliances that are sold at Target are defective.
Another review of the Rachael Ray Show, calling it a "train wreck".

Rachael Ray: Enemy of peace and quiet

2006-09-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

So, the Rachael Ray Show. I wanted to watch a few shows to get a feel for it and to see if it would improve at all, but I've yet to get through an entire episode. I can handle the cutesy phrases and manic hand movement, but the screaming is what makes it unbearable for me. That, and the fact that throughout interviews with Diane Sawyer, Dr. Phil, Emmitt Smith and Oprah herself, The Rach wouldn't let any of them finish a sentence¹. I loathe this show with every fiber of my being and, if you pay any kind of attention to the body language of her guests, they do too.

The biggest revelation for me is that I always assumed that Rachael started out as a nice, humble cook and her increasing unlikeability was correlated to her increasing popularity. That is, the money and power turned her into a crazed person. Now I'm beginning to think that The Rach has always been a jerk, and she just had to play it cool for a few years in order to get her Food Network gigs.

Now that she's got the world by the cajones her authentic self has emerged and boy, it's not pretty. She is consistently petulant, shrill, self-absorbed, dismissive, and downright rude to the guests and audience on her show. It's one thing for her to harp on Oprah's cheese-spreading ability, it's another to throw a hissy fit when an audience member beats her in a good natured(?) game.

I'm not the only one who is hating on this show, and Rachael must have predicted this backlash when she penned this phony, faux-self-deprecating piece in Esquire.

Still, people can't get enough of her. Her show had the highest rated talk show debut since Dr. Phil, and according to Forbes she is the 2nd most trusted celebrity in America (behind Tom Hanks, but ahead of Michael J. Fox and Oprah). I don't even know what "trusting" a celebrity means; perhaps I'm just a cynic.

She'll also appear on Celebrity Jeopardy this fall² and two Rachael-approved music compilations will be hitting stores next month.

I, on the other hand, have had enough of The Rach and I deleted her shows from my TiVo.

It's so peaceful in here now.

¹She even interrupts newspaper reporters.

²Thanks to KitchenMage for the tip!

³This morning Adam Carolla had Perez Hilton (site semi-NSFW) on his radio show and they were talking a ton of smack about Rachael. This isn't surprising since Rachael once visited Adam's resturant on Inside Dish and there seemed to be no love lost between them.

Lessons in World Domination: Rachael Ray

2006-09-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

Rachael Ray's talk show debuted yesterday and it had the highest rated syndicated debut since Dr. Phil rode Oprah's coattails to glory back in 2002.

I haven't actually seen the show yet (I deemed season 3 of Deadwood and season 4 of The Wire to be higher priority last night), but early reviews indicate that the show is a good substitute for coffee or speed:

"Rachael Ray Show" potentially annoying

Who needs coffee when you've got Rachael Ray?

'Rachael' is a ray of hope....

I'll catch up this week and be sure to post my thoughts.

Bonus: TV Squad picked out five bizarre quotes from Rachael's recent appearance on Larry King.

The Food Network as Muse

2006-09-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you mix Billy Joel's baby boomer rant with the Food Network? JordanBaker's brilliant, hilarious They Didn't Start the Fire (Food Network Remix). Sung to the tune of We Didn't Start the Fire, whet your appetite with this verse:

Giada, Sandra Lee, cleavage on the Food TV
Bend forward, stir the pot, get the viewer nice and hot.
Giada’s got a pumpkin head; Mario has chef cred;
Oil once around the pan, Sandra Lee was once a man.

Go now!

Requiem for a Deen

2006-08-31T18:15:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago I promised a "monster post about the downfall of Paula Deen." This was easier said than done, however, because what is a blogger to do when watching Paula Deen becomes downright painful? I had five Paula's Home Cooking shows stored up on my TiVo and could only watch a few minutes of each before getting annoyed or depressed.

Paula used to be like a favorite great aunt¹, the one whose recipes you secretly like more than your own mother's. You knew she had some hard times in her past but she was too private and dignified to broadcast her troubles to the world. She's the one you planned your wedding around, knowing that if she couldn't be there, the day wouldn't be complete.

But what happens when that aunt, for whatever reason, becomes a shell of her former self? You steel yourself before a visit and tell yourself that it won't be as bad this time, that maybe she's better now. When you get there her sad eyes and desperate loneliness make you want to cry, but instead you put on a brave face and a warm smile and try to enjoy her company. No one wants to be pitied, but sometimes when she's in the midst of yet another socially inappropriate remark you just wonder what happened to the old her, the one you still love.

And so it is with Paula Deen.

I love Paula and have no way of knowing what is going on with her, but the way she looks, acts and even cooks this season is downright disturbing. She looks puffy, tired, and all-around haggard. I now get more traffic to my site via "what is wrong with paula deen" queries than "sandra lee naked" queries (and that's saying something). Paula seems uncomfortable in front of the camera at times and the delivery of her Southern-isms is forced.

Predictably, her recipes have begun to decline. Paula has always turned out food that looked really good, even if it was unhealthy. Lately though, she's been venturing into Sandra Lee territory with some really awful looking dishes. I was afraid this would happen. There are limits to Southern cousine, as evidenced by Paula's five fried chicken recipes.

Sadly, we've seen all this before with Rachael Ray. Like Rachael, Paula has a a magazine and a new talk show debuting next month. Like Rachael, Paula has gone from being friendly and folksy to being over-the-top, loud, and obnoxious. If this quote about Paula's new talk show is any indication, it will be unwatchable:

Hosted by Paula Deen, 59, the hourlong program will be more “Romper Room” than “Cooking with Master Chefs.” At the taping of an early episode, Deen spent time trying on a young audience member’s stilettos, telling jokes and staging a live crab race. She named her entry “Cocaine Connie.”

“I’m keepin’ the hair high and the expectations low, and that way I can’t lose,” Deen drawled afterward.

Strangely, the Food Network is pinning its hopes on Paula's Party to attract younger viewers:

Aside from airing at night, Deen’s new show will feature a studio audience and less cooking instruction. Food Network thinks her biting sense of humor and somewhat unruly behavior will help attract a younger audience.

“We consider it Paula unplugged,” Tuschman says. “You never know what is going to come out of her mouth.”

So I find myself in a familiar place, lamenting the state of the Food Network. Sara Moulton left the network and is headed for PBS. Molto Mario was cancelled. Tony Bourdain moved over to the Travel Channel and now has one of the most interesting shows on television². Food Network is losing (pushing away?) all of its heavy hitters, and pretty soon all that will be left are the amped-up versions of Rachael Ray, Paula Deen and Sandra Lee. Watch your backs, Ina and Giada!

At least I'm not the only one who thinks this is ridiculous. This blatant MTV-ization of the Food Network worries me. Sheesh, maybe if things don't work out with Paula and Michael they can give her a dating show, a la Flavor of Love. For old times' sake, maybe they could call it Butter Flavor of Love.

Call me when you get back, Paula. I'll be waiting for you.

¹As opposed to your black sheep, drunken aunt.
²Really, Bourdain in Beirut is one of the better things I've seen on TV all year. Set your TiVos.

Food Network Summer Programs: Hot, Hotter and Hottest

2006-08-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

Three new Food Network shows have premiered in the last couple of weeks.

Hot: Road Tasted

Featuring the spawn of Paula Deen, Road Tasted consists of Jamie and Bobby Dean traveling around the country to taste different kinds of food. They visit locally owned, small restaurants, a la Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels or $40 a Day. What with the travel aspect and the let's-turn-the-Southern-charm-up-to-eleven aspect, I fully expected to hate this show. Surprisingly, I've grown to like the Deen boys and this light little show. Jamie and Bobby truly are charming and personable - sort of like the Paula Deen of yesteryear*. I enjoy the banter between the brothers ("Brother!"), and they are kind and easygoing with the guests. It's not the best thing I've ever seen on the Food Network, but it's nice, light summer fare.

Hotter: Feasting on Asphalt

When I heard that Alton Brown was doing a cross-country road trip on his motorcycle, I was excited. Good Eats is one of the best shows on the Food Network and I couldn't wait to see how Alton would put his spin on the traveling food show genre. Plus, "Feasting on Asphalt" is so poetic, so Alton, that I had high expectations. The scenery is great, Alton busts out his knowledge at every turn, and the food choices have been predictably quirky (brains - ew!). However, the show is somewhat of a letdown due to poor pacing and the realization that Alton is human, after all. Look, the show is pretty darn good, but when you're talking about Alton Brown you expect great things. There are only a few episodes left and I will continue to watch them, but I wish I had lowered my expectations before viewing this show.

Hottest: Throwdown with Bobby Flay

I can't believe it either! How is Bobby Flay, my nemesis, most arrogant cook on the planet, hosting my favorite Food Network show of the summer season? I couldn't wait to watch Flay bust out his smarm on the common man so I could bust out the snark on Flay, but instead he's been humble, funny, and sincere. The ultra-competitive Iron Chef Flay is nowhere to be found, and instead he seems like he enjoys meeting the amateurs and is genuinely having a good time. I started to like Flay during the last Next Food Network Star season because he gave the contestants solid advice and criticism, but this show has cemented it for me: I am now a (mild) fan of Bobby Flay.

The challenger cooks have been good-natured and up to the challenge; indeed, most of them have whupped on Flay. I was concerned that Food Network would play these amateurs for laughs or that it would seem like they were being duped, but all of the cooks seem eager to challenge Bobby Flay. The contestants believe that they are taping a profile for Food Network, and that's essentially what they do for much of the show, before Flay enters the picture. However, I'm not totally convinced that the bait-and-switch is necessary, because I think plenty of cooks would want the challenge (and exposure) of going mano y mano with Flay. At any rate, this show is more of a showcase for the amateur's talent than a show about Flay or even the competition itself.

Still, Flay's good, the contestants are good, the food's good, but the key to this show is Flay's two soux chefs, Miriam and Stephanie. They keep him in line and aren't afraid to let him know when he's screwing up a recipe, running out of time, or just generally being a chump. I could see a Three's Company remake starring Flay and those two women. But who would play Mr. Furley?

*I'm currently trying to compose my thoughts for a monster post about the downfall of Paula Deen. It's been painful to watch, as my favorite Food Network host has turned into a cariacture of herself, alternating between amped-up bawdiness and sedated melancholy. It's truly terrifying.

Food Network or...Something Else?

2006-08-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of discussion about the sensual and sexual nature of the Food Network. Via BoingBoing, I bring you Food Network or porn - can you tell the difference*?

I recognized all of the Food Network stars (and none of the porn stars), so the quiz was rather easy. They included some great Giada-in-ecstacy shots and even a scary Rachael Ray shot, but where the heck was Sandra Lee? Perhaps her food doesn't taste good enough to warrant eye-rolling and moaning, just scary drunken staredowns:

*somewhat not safe for work

R&R: How Cool is That?

2006-07-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

Rachael Ray's new talk show premieres September 18. Mark that on your calendars, people, because I have a feeling we're about to embark on the snarkfest to end all snarkfests, especially if the following commercials are any indication.

What I'm Not

I'm not a chef, I'm a cook.

I don't bake. I'm really adventurous. I'll try anything once.

Daytime Needs Her

She's got the tv, tv shows, cookbooks; she's like your best girlfriend.

She is the best thing to happen to daytime tv.

Daytime tv needs somebody who's not afraid to be different.

Rachael Ray and R Words

Rowdy, risque, radiant, real, romantic, rebellious.

Everyone needs a little R&R: Rachael Ray

Eat vs. Shop

I like to eat while shopping.

Don't tell them!

They wanted me to do this stuff where I go, "Hi, I'm Rachael Ray, watch the show because you'll get blah blah blah.... It's not going to work, guys!"

You should also know that Rachael Ray has received a Seal of Approval from the Attractive Daytime Television Viewers of America:

By the way, how tired is the whole chick on a motorcycle thing nowadays? Not only did Mariah do it for a Pepsi commercial, but Ms. Piggy did it for The Great Muppet Caper*!

I can already foresee that I'm going to develop a love/hate relationship with Rachael Ray's show. How excited am I? This excited:

*As noted by the incomparable FourFour.

Anthony Bourdain: Back in Black

2006-06-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Now that Anthony Bourdain has a new book coming out, he drops in at Salon for this laugh-out-loud interview. It's worth the commercial they make you sit through.

After calling Rachael Ray a bobblehead, the interviewer asks Bourdain if he may revise his opinion of her:

Will we see you in a year saying, "Oh, I had drinks with Rachael Ray, and actually, she's all right"?

Yeah, right. "After the hot-tub incident, I've changed my mind." You know, listen, like I said, I could be wrong. Unlikely. But maybe she's nice to puppies.

Sure, sure -- you haven't seen her kicking any old people lately.

Actually, that would be cool. If I ever saw her getting trashed on Old Crow, pistol-whipping a vegan after a bar crawl, I would think, "That's an interesting woman. I would like to know her."

Go now.

Food Network Tidbits

2006-06-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

Some new Food Network shows are coming up. Clearly, Food Network cannot have too many travelling shows or party/bash shows.

Guy's Big Bite - Sunday, June 25

Anyone catch this? I was TiVoing something else and missed it (God help me and my addiction to the modern Western). Did Guy deliver?

Road Tasted - Tuesday, July 11

Jamie and Bobby Dean travels around the country to find good people, tasty food, and butter reserves for their mama. (Until a few weeks ago this was known as Two for the Road.)

Throwdown with Bobby Flay - Thursday, July 13

Bobbly Flay travels around the country to find good people, tasty food, and amateur chefs to challenge in surprise cook-offs. Bloghungry nailed this one.

Feasting on Asphalt - Saturday, July 29

Alton Brown travels around the country to find good people, tasty food, and a contract with another network. To distinguish this from all the other travelling food shows, Alton will travel by motorcycle.

Paula's Cooking Party - September 2006

With a talk show format, Paula will split her time between her hometown of Savannah, Georgia and travelling around the country to find good people, tasty food, and her mojo.

Nigella Feasts - September 2006

Nigella has finally been lured to the Food Network for this show. Based on her bestselling book, Nigella Feasts is about "celebrating family, public holidays and private passions". Just as long as she doesn't leave out Flag Day.

Iron Chef America: All Star Battle - November 2006

Flay/de Laurentiis vs. Batali/Ray. Enough said.

Semi-Fantastic Sandra Lee Blog

2006-06-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break from an ultra-busy Friday to direct you to one of the funniest blogs I've ever seen. Take a few minutes and peruse the hilarity over at Semi-Horrible Cooking. This person does a play-by-play of each episode of Semi-Homemade Cooking and even finds time to deconstruct random photos of Ms. Lee(?):

I realize the whole thing is a little OCD, but if you're looking for Semi-Homemade minutae, go now! You won't be sorry.

Ellie Krieger: Food Network's Savior?

2006-06-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I flipped to the Food Network as I was lounging in a hotel room. The host, a pretty brunette, was cooking whole-wheat pancakes, a healthy-looking wrap sandwich, and asparagus wrapped in smoked turkey. I double-checked my hotel viewing guide; was this really the Food Network? There were no spastic arm movements, no cutesy sayings, and no tablescapes. No gluttonous amounts of butter and mayo, and no cocktails that looked like something dreamed up by a nefarious frat boy¹.

When I got home I confirmed that it was indeed the Food Network, and the show was Healthy Appetite with Ellie Krieger. Since then I've watched a few more episodes and I am happy to report that Ellie is a fine addition to the Food Network family. My biggest beef with Sandra Lee and Rachael Ray is that I don't think they don't enjoy cooking. Now, I don't enjoy it every day (hence the occasional leftover day), but I have no problem with spending an hour or two in the kitchen every now and then if it means that I'll have a really fantastic meal at the end of it. This is one of the reasons I love Giada and Ina: they are patient with their food and won't cut corners to shave a few minutes off of their preparation time. Ellie seems like this too: she's not obsessed with the clock and how to make cooking seem easy.

Ellie Krieger has her masters in nutrition from Columbia, and unlike that other Food Network nutritionist, she looks healthy and seems knowledgable about nutritional information. I learned that cherry tomatoes are a good source of vitamin C, and that by rinsing off beans, you reduce the sodium by 40%. Imagine that: a cook who is informed about what she puts into her body, not just if she can cook the whole thing in less than 30 minutes. Her book, Small Changes, Big Results has some excellent reviews and sounds like it espouses the same philosophy as her show.

I'm loving her show, but it's not perfect. A cook's knife ability is one of the things that separates the pros from the rest of us, and right now Ellie's knife work is decidedly amateur. Sometimes Ellie seems nervous and not very comfortable in front of the camera, but after seeing video of Giada's early years, I'm convinced anyone can become a star in front of the camera with enough practice. Finally, some of Ellie's portions are, shall we say, meager. As an American, I'm used to gigantic portions and spending time in Europe only solidified this. However, I have been fooled a few times now by thinking that she was making a side dish and it turned out to be the main course. A few stalks of asparagus does not a dinner make. That's pretty easy to adjust, though, if you realize that her portions run on the small size.

Kudos to the Food Network for adding an informative, non-gimmicky show to the lineup. I guess something has to balance out yet another "food on the road" show.

¹ There was one cocktail, but it was rather refined.

² One more thing, how hot is her husband? According to this bio, his name is Thom and he's an Outward Bound expedition leader.

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

2006-05-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't died or retired; I've just been very busy with work and took a two week vacation.

Regular updates will start again next week.

Lately I've been watching a lot of Food 911 and pondering the apparent sex-symbol status of the homely (to me, anyway) Tyler Florence.

I've begun a love affair with Ellie Krieger: she is what Robin "Skeletor" Miller aspires to be.

Sandra Lee continues to be downright unwatchable, even with her new intro and the segment dedicated entirely to tablescapes.

Rachael Ray moves ahead with her plan of world domination.

Paula Deen still looks tired.

Her sons' new show airs June 27.

See ya next week!

The Next Food Network Star: Which Guy Won?

2006-04-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

On April 5, I predicted:

I'll be surprised if Guy doesn't win this thing. He's arrogant, loud, and obnoxious, but he's the only one out of the 8 contestants that seems remotely camera-ready. He's Emeril with a bad bleach job. This entire competition just seems like a formality before they give Guy his own show.

On April 12, I said:

I still think this entire show is a run-up to Guy's evenutal coronation.

On April 19, I wrote:

I think Guy will end up having his own nationally televised cooking show either way.

It's not like I was alone in feeling like Guy was way ahead of the pack. Anyone who watched more than 10 minutes of any episode would see that Guy was the clear front runner. Even the Food Network gave Guy prime placement in its print ads:

For those who haven't seen the finale yet, I think you can see what I'm getting at. Meet The Next Food Network Star.

The Next Food Network Star: Final Two

2006-04-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

Here we are, down to the final two on The Next Food Network Star. It's been a long, tedious and somewhat unmemorable journey. It's come down to Guy and Reggie:

Nate was the first person eliminated on Sunday night. After all this time, he still couldn't manage the clock at all and didn't exhibit any kind of unique personality traits. He was just an arrogant, bald shell of a guy. He had lots of knowledge about cooking - that much is certain - but his schtick just didn't translate to a 30 minute cooking show. I bet he could write a heck of a cookbook, though.

Carissa was the next to go after fumbling her appearance on CBS' The Early Show.

Paula Deen made an appearance and looked shockingly bad. I look into that woman's eyes and just want to cry because there seems to be some kind of terrifying desperation there. I wonder if she's battling agoraphobia again. She seemed like she may have been heavily medicated as well. In fact, she kind of had that weird drugged-up Paula Abdul thing going on.

Reggie and Guy each taped a show pilot. Reggie was better than I had expected, although his use of the word "sassy" must stop. Now. His Balsalmic Glazed Chicken looked simple and good.

His dessert was straight out of Sandra Lee's playbook. For shame.

Guy seemed a little more nervous than I would have thought. The Tequlia Turkey Fettucine looked good plated, but after seeing the ingredients he used it looked like it would be on the bland side.

The Breath Mint Pie could go either way. Either it would be sinfully delicious or way too sweet and overpowering. I believe this basically a variation of Grasshopper Pie.

After all this, I still don't know who I'm going to vote for - if I vote at all. I think Guy will end up having his own nationally televised cooking show either way, but I think this is probably Reggie's only shot. Then again, I don't know if I'd watch either of their shows. I've seen Dan and Steve twice in the year they've been on, and their obvious nervousness was too painful to watch.

Perhaps I'll sit this one out and see if Food Network can create a compelling Next Food Network Star in 2007. But I won't be holding my breath.

PS: I finally figured out who Guy looks like. Corey Feldman, circa 2003.

Food Network Tidbits

2006-04-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

First off, last week I became a married woman. Mr. Armchair Cook and I semi-eloped near our home in Hawaii and spent the weekend on a mini-honeymoon on a neighbor island. We just got back and I haven't even watched the Next Food Network Star episode from the weekend! Thank goodness for TiVo, the web, and my dedicated readers who keep me updated on all things Food Network!

The web is abuzz with the news that Guy and Reggie are the last two standing on The Next Food Network Star! I'll do a full writeup tomorrow, but who are you voting for? Leave me a comment and let's see who the frontrunner is!

Last month I reported that Sandra Lee would be cohosting a prime time cooking competition with Alan Thicke. After seeing a few Sandy-less commercials, I went to the official Celebrity Cooking Showdown website, and she is nowhere to be seen. Even this article dated yesterday still lists Sandra as co-host. I wonder what the scoop is?

Going back even further, in January I posted my $0.02 regarding the seemingly endless speculation about Michael Chiarello's sexuality. Yesterday, someone claiming to be M. Chiarello himself commented on that post. Could it be him? I found a comment on another blog from 2004 from someone with a similar writing style also claiming to be M. Chiarello. We may never know for sure, but I still love his show and still think he's too sexy for words.

The Next Food Network Star: Final Four

2006-04-12T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well, that was quite the shocker, wasn't it? Last week I predicted that Nathan would be sent home, but instead it was Andy who got the boot. Andy was wooden in front of the camera and had no discernable personality, but at least he wasn't a jerk. We'll miss you, Andrew Schumacher!

But we won't miss that 'stache.

Nate is still an overtweezed jerk.

Last week I suspected that Reggie's incompetence was part of a redemptive story arc, but now I think that it's Carissa's turn to make the transition from hopelessly flawed to shoo-in for the final two. I think we'll say goodbye to Reggie next.

Carissa's cupcake demo was a mess and her show pitch didn't blow me away, yet the judges insisted that Carissa found her niche. I'm predicting a Guy/Carissa final two.

Speaking of Guy, he blew everyone out of the water in the cupcake demo. I would watch a show with him finding fun and funky ways to present food. His show pitch was alright, but his concept was no more scattered than the other 3. I still think this entire show is a run-up to Guy's evenutal coronation.

I thought all of their show pitches were boring and safe (did I just channel American Idol?), and all of their presentations seemed half-baked, like they'd never considered it before. Plus, they're basically doing what all the other hosts do. I can't believe Bob Tuschman gave Reggie a hard time: "Why would we want to have 2 Southern cooking shows? We already have Paula Deen." How many Italian shows does the Food Network have? Four? Shame on the contestants for being bland and predictable, and shame on the judges and Food Network for moving the network in such a boring direction*.

Alton Brown was awesome, and I loved the practical advice he gave to each of the contestants. That man has some serious wisdom. I would totally purchase an "Alton Brown's Guide to Life".

Next week Paula Deen is a guest, and in the previews she looked really rough. Uh oh, I hope she's not overextending herself a la Rachael Ray.

*Awhile back I came up with some ideas for new Food Network shows. I know, I know, dream on. But still, I haven't given up hope. (Also, I saw Padma Lakshmi on some Travel Channel show the other day. She was showing Jeremy Piven around India.)

The Next Food Network Star: Digging Deep

2006-04-05T18:07:00.000-07:00

I finally got a chance to catch up on the second season of The Next Food Network Star. After watching all 4 hours last night, I can firmly say that I want everyone to lose.

Seriously, Food Network, this is the best you can do? Out of 10,000 applications, these are the 8 you chose? I haven't been this appalled by my choices (or lack thereof) since the last election. It's the boring team (Jess, Beth, Andy) versus the pompous team (Nathan, Carissa, Guy).

Still, I watch this stuff so you don't have to, so I will soldier on. A quick recap:

The first to go was Jess. Girlfriend seemed so nervous at times that I was hoping for a mercy elimination. I think she was too.

Next up was Beth. I kept forgetting she was in the competition. Boring, bland.

The third contestant to get the boot was Sofrito, er, Evette. I'm all for Food Network getting more ethnic cooking shows, but the omnipresent jar of Goya Sofrito was pretty weak. I did feel sorry for her as she was picked on by Nathan ("f***ing Sofrito!") and Clarissa ("How's that tiramisu coming along?"). I don't think Evette's heart was really in it.

Nathan is still in there, but barely. I predict he'll be going home next. He's one arrogant dude, and I did have a good laugh when he took us back to his modeling days, complete with a wistful reference to his "beautiful flowing blond hair".

Reggie seems like a nice guy. I think the NFNS editors are playing up his supposed incompetence, probably to manufacture a "look how far Reggie has come!" storyline in the remaining episodes. Yes, I am a disciple of Bunim/Murray shows and America's Next Top Model. I think he'll stick around for awhile.

I think Andy is the best cook of them all, and I love the way I can actually learn something from him. I also liked the way he helped Reggie with the lemongrass in the team challenge, but without showboating or condescending to Reggie. That said, Andy needs a date with a razor asap. His fuzzy moustache screams "statuatory rapist stoner" to me.

I'll be surprised if Guy doesn't win this thing. He's arrogant, loud, and obnoxious, but he's the only one out of the 8 contestants that seems remotely camera-ready. He's Emeril with a bad bleach job. This entire competition just seems like a formality before they give Guy his own show.

Last and least, Carissa. I can't explain my instant, visceral hatred for this woman. Even if she didn't have 15 bikini shots each episode, I still couldn't stand her. She strikes me as having a huge sense of entitlement, and she whines like a spoiled brat when things don't go her way. Carissa is one of those women who has never had any girlfriends and can't figure out why, while the entire time she's scheming to steal all the men. She's like the poor man's Sandra Lee.

Another thing: I'm sure they didn't teach her to have those hooker nails at Le Cordon Bleu. I was waiting for Giada to call Carissa out on the nails, but instead Giada told her to get rid of the jewelry.

Bobby Flay has been deliciously snarky; he's definitely in his element.

I still think the other judges, Susie and Bob, are jerks, but I can live with that because I too feel like a jerk while watching this show. One thing I notice is that the judges keep admonishing the contestants for behavior that is prevalent all over the Food Network, such as overusing cutesy catch phrases.

Speaking of Rachael Ray, her guest appearance was typical Ray-Ray upper-fueled blather. No surprises there.

Sandra Lee's appearance was remarkable if only for the fact that they consider her to be some kind of authority on cooking.

I am becoming a full-on Giada fan, partially due to my realization that she has the best catalog of recipes of any Food Network host, and partially because of her Chefography episode. One of my pet peeves is celebrities who bemoan their success and insist that they did not want to become famous, because most of the time I believe it to be a transparent ploy to sound like they are down to earth. In Giada's case, however, I totally believe that she did not want to be in the spotlight and is instead driven by her love of food and tradition. Plus, I would give my first born to have skin like this:

In the promo clip for next week's episode, guest judge Alton Brown looks to be showing the contestants some tough love ("If you can't do this in under 10 seconds, you should leave right now.") From the short clip they showed, I get a strong "I'm only doing this because it's in my contract" vibe from Alton. Alton's opinions mean the most to me, so I'm curious to see how he assesses the contestants.

Dave Lieberman is also on next week's show, and the week after features Paula Deen.

Here are some gratuitous shots of Rachael Ray looking haggard:

Sandra Lee Gone Wild

2006-04-05T11:44:00.000-07:00

In this clip from Semi-Homemade Cooking, Sandra Lee describes some drunken shenanigans.

Sandra, you ain't got to lie! This really happened last year, didn't it?!

Celebrity Cooking Showdown: A Motley Crew

2006-03-24T10:37:00.000-08:00

In the world of strange Hollywood pairings, I think this one takes the cake:

Growing Pains star Alan Thicke is set to host the celebrity cooking show being developed by Puff Daddy/P.Diddy and Wolfgang Puck.
The actor will co-host Celebrity Cooking Showdown with The Food Network's Sandra Lee.

Where do we go from here?

Let's hope this show fares better than Thicke of the Night.

Just check out the list of participants:

Celebrity participants facing off in the kitchen include: supermodel Naomi Campbell, Allison Sweeney (NBC's "Days of our Lives"), Big Kenny (country music's superstar duo, Big and Rich), comedic actor Tom Arnold ("True Lies"), football star Tony Gonzales (Kansas City Chiefs), rapper/actor Ja Rule ("Assault on Precinct 13"), professional volleyball player/model Gabrielle Reese, musician/reality star Ashley Parker Angel (MTV's "There and Back") and the reigning Miss USA 2005 Chelsea Cooley.

This is kind of like Iron Chef meets Surreal Life meets American Idol. Needless to say, I can't wait!

Paula Deen, the Butter Queen

2006-03-10T14:32:00.000-08:00

We all know Paula likes her some butter. But drinking melted butter? This is Fear Factor-style!

I'm just afraid that if Paula keeps this up, she may have to contact Sandra Lee for a good bypass surgeon.

(Images TVGasm)

Checking in on Rachael Ray

2006-03-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

Rachael Ray was on Oprah yesterday. She's on Oprah fairly regularly these days, as Oprah will be producing Rachael's upcoming talk show. I've covered Rachael pretty extensively in the past, but I had to take a break from her because she was driving me batty. Yesterday I tuned into Oprah to see if Rachael was still annoying, or if she had finally calmed down. Had her handlers reined her in?

Here's your answer to that question:

Rachael was as crazy as ever. She led us on a tour of the street food of NYC, and these stills are from the first 10 seconds of the segment:

Ho boy. She actually did look a lot better in that segment than the last time she was on Oprah, where she looked quite a bit heavier and had people (okay, just me) speculating that she was pregnant:

First, she takes us to get coffee. Actually, she calls it "cuppa joe" and then explains that her original term means "coffee" for the rest of us.

Rachael then takes us to get Indian food, bratwurst, and Chinese.

Standard $40 a Day or Tasty Travels nonsense.

Then Rachael was live in Oprah's studio cooking a dish called "You Won't Be Single For Long Vodka Pasta". Really:

Whatever. I keep thinking that Rachael will return to being the sweet little Food Network host we all loved so much circa 2004, but it looks like that's not going to happen.

I remember reading an article in the first issue of Every Day with Rachael Ray where Rachael says that she hardly eats and instead smokes and drinks coffee all day long (and we all know how she loves her wine). While she looks good for 37, she can hardly keep this up forever:

And all the she rasps like she's developed a three-pack-a-day habit. Really, it's closer to "respiratory problem" than "sexy".

I will continue to hope that Rachael's overexposure will abate and her personality will go back to normal. After all, I used to like Rachael! Unfortunately, I must continue my Rachael hiatus for now. Until she straightens out, I say, "Peace out, Rachael!"

P.S. It's pretty bad when the Rachael Ray segment was the second weirdest part of the Oprah show:

Sandra Lee: First Lady?

2006-02-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the loyal reader to sent me this tidbit:

Andrew Cuomo who two and a half years ago, suffered the slings and arrows (at least in the media) of being cuckolded in his thirteen-year marriage to Kerry Kennedy by the rich and handsome (and also very much married) Bruce Colley, has found happiness at last, they say, in person of Sandra Lee, the Food Network’s celebrity chef and host of “Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee.”

...

She took an apartment here in Manhattan fairly recently and occasionally has been seen in public (albeit quietly and only to perceptive, knowing eyes) with her new inamorata. Some say that this relationship, along with her ex-husband’s own activities outside the marriage, is what encouraged her move to divorce.

The whole thing is a must-read.

Who is this Andrew Cuomo? Aside from being the son of former New York governor Mario Cuomo, he is the ex-husband of Kerry Kennedy, daughter of Robert Kennedy.

Mr. Cuomo has political aspirations. Does this mean that one day Sandra Lee could be - gasp - first lady?!

Sandra sure likes her some older, powerful men. But couldn't she find herself some older men who are easier on the eyes? May I suggest one of these guys?

I just realized that if Sandra Lee ended up with Bill Clinton, that would be the best thing that ever happened to me. It just seems so...right. But for now, Andrew Cuomo will do.

*If she ended up with Dr. Drew, who is my favorite tv/radio personality of all time, I would retire the blog, destroy my computer, and enter a coma from which I could only be brought out by the love and care of Paula Deen. I suspect Adam Carolla would feel the same way.

**With all this talk about hookups, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my own. I must shamelessly inform all of you that I got engaged earlier this month to a man who is truly the best thing that ever happened to me. And he's no Andrew Cuomo, thank goodness (but then again, I'm no Sandra Lee)!

Sandra Lee, Will You Be My Valentine?

2006-02-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

Part 2 of 2

On this Valentine's Day, let us refrain from agonizing over the Hallmark rituals, the lame displays of "romance" and the tendency to reflect on bad Valentine's past. Instead, let us turn the spotlight on another, so as to make bearable this strange and totally unnecessary holiday.

Let's look at the love life of Sandra Lee.

During Sandra Lee's bizarre and unintentionally hilarious speaking engagement at an Oklahoma hospital, she joked about trying to kill off her ex-husband with her cooking¹. I have no doubt that Sandra's dishes could fell even the healthiest human, but the question in my mind is, "What's the deal with her ex-husband? Who is this guy?"

Bruce Karatz is the CEO of KB Homes. According to this article, he's been with the company for over 30 years, rising through the ranks from house attorney. He's known for unconventional marketing and promotion gimmicks (including putting a model home at the top of a department store in Paris, as well as sumo wrestling at company events). He motorcycles and went on a bike ride with Lance Armstrong and Robin Williams. Bruce was born in 1945 and has three adult children from a previous marriage. His favorite food is "pasta with fresh tomatoes".

Sandra Lee and Bruce married in 2000. In this interview, Bruce describes how he and Sandra met:

Q: How did you meet your wife, Sandra Lee, who is on the Food Network?
A: Our spokesperson for six or seven years was Tom Skerritt, the actor on "Picket Fences." He has a face everyone knows and his dad was a homebuilder. Then I saw him do an Advil commercial. I said, "Whoa, this is not our customer. This is our customer's father or grandfather, we have to get somebody younger." So our head of marketing said they had a woman who was doing performances for us in our studios. He brought her in and I met her and several months later, our paths crossed and that started the romance. And that was it. We've been married for three years.

I'm immediately skeptical of anyone who disses Tom Skerritt. Not only is he unreasonably sexy for a 73 year old, but what other actor could pull off Strawberry from Up in Smoke as well as Viper from Top Gun?

Aside from the fightin' words about Tom, what the heck is up with the dispassionate explanation of how he and Sandra met? He might as well be talking about how he ended up with a taco salad instead of a burrito.

And what kind of "performances" do you think Sandra was doing in the studios? Hmm...

They were quite the power couple while it lasted. Sandra was one of People's 50 Most Beautiful People in 2004 and hosted one of the highest-rated shows on the Food Network at the same time that Bruce was the second-highest paid CEO in Los Angeles. There are all kinds of rumors that Sandra's success was due to her connection with such a powerful man. It'll be interesting to see if she suffers professionally from their split.

Bruce talks about bringing Sandra in as a spokesperson, but was she ever a spokesperson for KB Homes? Not that I can find. However, in October 2005 KB Homes partnered with none other than:

Snap! Oh no he di'int! For KB Homes to partner with the premier (and as far as I'm concerned, only) "lifestylist" - that's got to be a "screw you" to Sandra. In this 2005 press release, Bruce twists the knife even further:

"It is a treat for KB Home to be teaming up with Martha for Halloween. She is the ultimate authority when it comes to preparing a home for any holiday, " said KB Home Chairman and CEO Bruce Karatz.

Yow! I mean, I agree with him, but yow! Heck, even Sandra Lee agrees, sort of:

... Sandra Lee is a "New York Times" best-selling author with her own show on the Food Network. And she's joining us from our New York bureau.

Congratulations to all the praise, but I know this has to be awkward to be considered the next big thing after, perhaps, Martha is not seen as much anymore.

LAURA LEE, LIFE STYLIST: Well, I think she's still seen as the expert, and by the way, Happy Easter.

WHITFIELD: Happy easter.

LEE: She's still seen of course as an expert, but there's been many experts from Betty Crocker to, you know, Julia Childs, and there's room for everybody.

Well, at least they got her last name right.

What is next for Sandra Lee? Rumor has it that she and Gordon Elliot are sharing a penthouse in Manhattan. If she really is shacked up with the producer of Semi-Homemade Cooking, then we'll be seeing her for years to come (or at least until their relationship hits the rocks).

I'm cool with that; I enjoy watching Sandra, even if it is in a I-can't-believe-she-just-did-that kind of way. Besides, I enjoy reading other opinions of Sandra almost as much as I enjoy watching her get soused on national television. For instance:

What's the most offensive TV cooking show?

There's one [in the US] by Sandra Lee. She seems to suggest that you can make good food easily, in minutes, using Cheez Whiz and chopped-up Pringles and packaged chili mix. It inspires people to have low expectations and to settle for less, and I think that's not doing God's work.

Being a chef is God's work?
Oh, yeah. What better profession? We feed people. We nuture them. We provide a real service. We're the salt of the earth. We may be the backstairs help but we do something useful, and, once in a while, transcendent and inspiring.

Who is this taking down Sandra Lee and talking about God's work? Why, none other than Anthony Bourdain:

Speaking of God's work, this blogger compares Sandra Lee slapdash approach to cooking with Rick Warren, the author of The Purpose Driven Life². This is a great analysis:

Her idea of cooking is opening a can of something processed, dumping it into a fancy dish with some “creative flourish” on top that her guests will mistake for culinary innovation. Her métier is the “tablescape” where she shows you a darling, just darling, way to decorate the table. Then she goes to put on a fancy and thematically appropriate dress and she has her picture taken. Just like a tall nine year-old.

I could do without Sandra Lee.

But I cannot do without church, sadly—something in Hebrews about that.

Unfortunately for me, Sandra Lee is now behind the pulpit. She is not about feeding people good food, she is about simulating the eating experience. Sandra Lee, or rather Rick Warren, excuse me, is all about the illusion of God and theology, but done in a way that doesn’t involve knowledge, skill, love or comprehension. It is simulating the religious experience.

That's spot on. Semi-Homemade isn't about the sensual experience of cooking or even about eating itself. Sandra provides Cliff Notes for cooking. It's all style and no substance (although she doesn't even have the style part of it down most of the time).

If Semi-Homemade lacks substance and style, then why on earth would anyone watch it? The Semi-Ho Drinking Game, for one. I'll try this one out and maybe even liveblog it when I'm fully recovered from my flu.

¹Sandra filed for divorce in October, but I don't know the current disposition of her marriage. Trust me, when I know, you'll be the first to know. For purposes of clarity, I will refer to Mr. Karatz as Sandra Lee's ex-husband.

²I know nothing about this book except that my fanatically religious former landlord pushed this book on me weekly for the duration of my lease.

I Pity the Flu! (ArmchairCook Succombs)

2006-02-06T09:40:00.000-08:00

It started as a nagging cough on Thursday, then on Friday I went down with a high fever, muscle aches and just generally feeling like I was hit by a bus. That's right folks, I have the flu.

Sporadic, my ass.

Much like Sandra Lee's cooking, I'm feeling pretty half-baked right now*. I keep having fever dreams/delusions and I can even read correctly. I thought this headline:

Was "Bush aims to tame deficits with domestic cats". I was like, man, that's not going to work. There's NOTHING more apathetic than a house cat!

Good lord, it took me 45 minutes to post this**. Time to go back to bed. I hope to be back to our regularly scheduled posting later this week. Take care, and remember to wash your hands and stay away from people like me!

*Thinking about food - not just Sandra's - makes me nauseous. I haven't eaten anything other than saltines or bananas since Thursday afternoon.

** Ended up being an hour after all was said and done.

Groundhog Day: Sandra Lee Over and Over and Over

2006-02-02T13:05:00.000-08:00

Part 1 of 2

Sometimes I feel like I beat up a little too much on Sandra Lee. Sometimes it seems like the same thing again and again and again. After all, I actually have a soft spot for Sandra! Sheesh, if that's how I treat my friends.... Perhaps I should write something nice instead. I could compliment Paula on the fine job she's done this season after a rough start. I could wax poetic about the awesome food that Giada cooks up episode after episode. Maybe I should lay off of Sandra Lee.

But then I come across something so mouth-gapingly awesome that I have to share it with my loyal readers.

As you know, there exists a lucrative side business for any celebrity in the form of public speaking. From Bill Clinton to Michael Jordan to ex-Real Worlders, celebrities get paid handsomely to speak at college graduations, conventions, and other events where the organizers need to keep people awake until the big party afterward. The Premiere Speaker's Bureau is one place to find a speaker for your function. They feature such luminaries as Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Zell Miller and Sandra Lee! One of these things is not like the other....

Sandra Lee, "internationally-acclaimed Lifestylist and New York Times bestselling author", charges the modest sum of $35,000 to speak to your group. The Premiere Speaker's Bureau even has a short video of Sandra Lee speaking at St. Anthony's Hospital's Celebrity Chef event in Oklahoma City. "Healthy living" is not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Sandra Lee and the meals she prepares, but I played the video with an open mind.

Sandra starts by warming up the crowd.

"My husband had quadruple bypass surgery four years ago."

Hmm. Okay. So we know this isn't a recent video.

"It's a real honor for me to be here, because I've actually lived through a diet change."

Uh oh.

"And gone to the grocery store and tried to figure out how to make things that are heart healthy and um, um...."

Overly processed? Packed with sodium? Drenched in ketchup?

Do we really want Ms. Cheez Wiz and Cool Whip and vodka to speak to "Oklahoma's first hospital dedicated to your amazing heart & blood vessels?" I'm just sayin'.

"I try to be conscientious about what I feed my husband. When he makes me mad, I'm not so conscientious." [audience laughter] "No, really, I'm like, here, eat it!"

Sandra goes on to say that each year her husband gets a full physical at the Mayo Clinic. Oh, and her (ex-) husband is 60:

"Now, it was partially because of his diet. It was partially hereditary. And it was mostly because he smoked. So if there are any smokers in here, I beg you to please stop."*

While she's speaking, this guy walks in front of her:

And comes back with a chair.

This dude decided to leave:

"Now, what I'm going to make tonight is a wonderful herb crusted pork roast. I made this whole dish just practice for my husband last Sunday. I made him sit down and eat all of it - it's a lot of food! I'm like, yes, but you're my taster! And he did it, thank you, dear [gesturing to someone behind her]. So, I'm going to make you a pot roast and I'm going to make a wonderful mushroom gravy that's thick and it's rich and it's going to taste like it's from scratch."

Pork roast and gravy! Just the thing for all heart-conscious 60 year old men!

"Now, this is just a pork roast. To this roast, I want to take, where's my other knife [looking around for knife]. I just want this little knife here and we are slitting in this through the fat and down towards the meat...."

The video concludes at this point. I wonder what she would have done with that fatty roast.

Ominously, I do note Campbell's Soup cans on the table:

This recipe for herb pork roast and mushroom gravy was also featured on a "Low Fat" episode of Semi-Homemade Cooking. The recipe reviews indicate that the roast turned out "greasy" and "terribly greasy", while the gravy turned out "greasy" and "bland". Ah, it's good to know some things never change.

I hear that Sandra Lee is involved with lots of charity work and I think that's great. Heck, she may have even forgone the $35k fee and spoken out of sheer respect for the people who saved her husband's life. But I'm also thinking someone on the hospital board owed Sandra's ex-husband a favor. Sandra is a lot of things, but a heart-healthy cook she is not. After all, they could have asked Alton Brown! He could have found a way to integrate medical science and healthy cooking. Or even Jim Coleman, who wrote a book and about heart-healthy recipes and hosts the fantastic radio show "A Chef's Table".

Speaking of Sandra's ex, on Monday we'll examine the former Mr. Sandra Lee, Bruce Karatz. Also: Anthony Bourdain's disdain of Sandra, and a web round-up of Sandra Lee snark!

*You listening, Mom?

Dave Lieberman is Dreamy

2006-01-25T14:51:00.000-08:00

As you know, I'd never really gotten the whole Dave Lieberman-as-sex-symbol thing. Sure, he's sorta cute, but listening to his lazy permutations of the English language (for instance, "umgonna" instead of "I'm going to") and watching him bounce on his toes for 30 minutes kind of put me on edge. Everything about him screams jumpy and twitchy and nervous to me.

His food seems pretty good, although I think his estimated costs per person are on the low side. I do agree with his philosophy that you should learn how to cut corners on certain ingredients while splurging on others¹. Jeez, that felt very Barefoot Contessa, didn't it: "Be sure to use GOOD QUALITY vanilla/salmon/soy sauce/etc."

Also, his web show is decent, even if it is just another variation on $40 a Day, Tasty Travels, etc.

As you probably know, Dave was inspired to become a cook by his stay-at-home dad (check out this webcast which features Dave talking about his show and his dad). He hosted a cooking show while at Yale (majoring in poli-sci) and when the New York Times featured him in a piece about campus cooking, he was contacted by the Food Network.

Also, Dave has designed the menu for Song Airlines, a low cost subsidiary of Delta. This reviewer finds the results to be mixed, and also riffs on his desire to hang out with Ina Garten².

Last week I speculated about Michael Chiarello's sexuality and several people brought up Dave Lieberman in the comments. The last thing I want to do is to hijack this blog with endless speculation about people's sexuality, but I will say that after extensive research I've found absolutely nothing about Dave Lieberman's dating habits: gay, straight or otherwise.

Anyway, I've discovered that the secret to appreciating Dave is to make him hold still. As in, I can't watch his show but I'll damn sure ogle the boy in still photos. In fact, this is the photo that made me realize that Dave is, in fact, a sexy cat. He looks relaxed and a little bit nerdy (yes, this is a requirement for me), but he also looks like a totally normal guy.

More eye candy:

And my personal favorite:

For more Dave yumminess, visit his site. For a big assortment of Dave Lieberman icons, check out this page.

¹It also could be that I'm just enormously jealous of anyone who is able to shop at a Whole Foods. Yes, I live in one of the only areas in the country that does not have Whole Foods, Trader Joe's or Wild Oats. The health food store in my neck of the woods has enormously inflated prices and is run by a surly 50 year old former stripper with permanent makeup.

²Who would you rather hang out with? Ina or Dave? Ina's house is just so freakin' nice that I'd like to say I've been there at least once, but I'd also be worried that it would be too stuffy. Dave has a lot of cute guy friends, but they all seem kind of bland. Who am I kidding? I'd end up standing in the kitchen drinking with Sandra Lee.

Random: Dave's Stuart Weitzman Bid for a Cure Shoe is truly bizarre:

Food Network Tidbits: the Iron Chef Superbowl

2006-01-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

A few days ago commenter vjchang wrote of a possible Sandra Lee sighting. Was it her? Could she have been in Park City for pre-Sundance festivities? We may never know, but heavy drinking skinny middle aged blondes are always entertaining!

Check out 2006 predictions from some well-known chefs, including Flay, Rachael Ray and Batali. I must say Rachael Ray's predictions sound like something an 8 year old would request of mother: more pasta, more bread, more burgers stoups and stews. And can I stay up till 10:00 this year?

Jake Gyllenhaal's next role? A busboy on Molto Mario. This is the second weirdest thing I've heard today.

And now, for the Iron Chef event of the season:

In the red corner:

In the blue corner:

My money is on Flay/de Laurentiiiiiiiis. If you look beyong Giada's teeth and cleavage, she's a pretty good cook. Flay's an ass but he has skillz. Mario's going to have to do all the heavy lifting while Rachael is bouncing off the walls and insulting his technique. Besides, it's against my religion to support anyone who wears Crocs:

Added January 19th, 2006:

As if we needed further proof that Rachael Ray is Entertainment Tonight's "it" girl, they posted this story on their website. Be sure to check out the video for Rachael Ray's raspy ruminations.

"It was so intense!" Rachael tells ET. "That hour felt 30 times faster than my 30-minute meals. It went by so fast!"

"I was really nervous; I'm not a chef," says Rachael. "I don't belong on 'Iron Chef.' To be asked was honor enough, but I really didn't want to do it. Then I thought about it and I said, 'You're so frightened of that show, why don't you give it a shot. Food's food; so, you can't do fancy; you can do tasty!'"

Michael Chiarello: Is he or Isn't he?

2006-01-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

Look, I know it is tacky to speculate on someone's sexual preference. To say that someone "seems gay" is to say that you buy into a whole bunch of cultural stereotypes (whether the stereotypes have any validity is a whole other bag of worms). It's 2006: Brokeback Mountain¹ is opening to record numbers, gays can get married in Massachusetts, and Queer Eye has been around so long it's jumped the shark. Can't we get past the labelling and just see people for the content of their character?

But the fact remains: until a few months ago, I would have bet all my worldly possessions that Michael Chiarello was gay. And based on the number of people who reach this blog by searching for "michael chiarello gay", I'm not the only one.

I guess I can compare it to other split-second judgments that you make about other people: that guy looks like a jerk, she seems depressed, they look like a happy couple. I just immediately thought that Michael Chiarello was gay and that was that. I also thought that he had somewhat of an ego but was slightly nerdy (in the best possible way), was a great cook, and was exceptionally sexy. I still stand by my last three impressions.

I saw the wedding band, but I know gay folks who wear wedding bands, so that doesn't prove anything.

Plus, we never saw his spouse and he never mentioned her. Bizarrely, he even cooked a Mother's Day breakfast in bed for a friend's wife. At this point I was convinced that he was gay, but a Google search reveals this article in the San Francisco Chronicle, which established his marriage to a woman:

These grapes make the wine for yet one more undertaking -- Chiarello Family Vineyards. Losing the grapes would have been an intensely personal loss since each of the four vineyards is named after the women in his life: wife, Eileen, and daughters Felicia, Margoux and Giana. It is a second marriage for Chiarello.

Just last week on Easy Entertaining they recreated Michael's wedding menu and we glimpsed his wife (for the first time, as far as I know). Pretty, blonde and definitely younger, she didn't say a word².

The presence of a wife and daughters hasn't convinced some people, but those are the kind of people who still aren't convinced that a man landed on the moon. Come on: the guy married not one, but two different women! And he's not a steelworker (or ranch hand), he's a chef in Northern California! The point is, if he wanted to come out, he's had ample opportunity.

To conclude this Armchair Cook investigation to the question, "Is Michael Chiarello gay?" we can only say that all signs point to no.

¹I was fortunate to see this several months ago at the Honolulu Film Festival and it was fantastic.

²For several weeks I've been dealing with Tivo problems, cable problems and computer problems (sometimes all 3 at once), but I swear as soon as I get everything operational again I will post screencaps of the elusive wife.

If You Can't Stand the Heat...: Sandra Lee Reviewed

2006-01-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, when I had a hankering for mac and cheese, I scoped out all the five star mac and cheese recipes at Foodnetwork.com. Based on the user reviews and ratings, I decided to make Giada's delicious Macaroni and Cheese. The user reviews were a godsend, as they alerted me to a mistake in the recipe. "Wow," I thought. "These Foodnetwork.com users are a helpful bunch." My thoughts then turned to the dark side: "I wonder if things ever turn ugly around these parts?" Naturally, I searched the recipes for "Sandra Lee" and that, my friends, is how I spent 3 hours reading the user reviews of Sandra Lee's dishes.

Like any other Internet forum, you have your share of incoherent idiots and trolls*, which stand out more on the recipes that actually sound decent. Many of the comments are boring, uninspired and downright lazy. Still, every now and then there's a zinger that makes it all worthwhile - much like Sandra Lee herself.

Now let's get started.

Chive Roasted Potatoes with Horseradish-Sour Cream and Caviar

Vile....
Sandra, I love you so much, but you should recall this recipe. It really stinks.

-

Everyone knows you should never serve caviar with bold flavors. The bold flavor is all you can taste when you combine them with caviar. You don't want to pay that much money and then not taste the caviar. Looks like Shamdra's BEER ATTITUDE is showing through her SHAMPAYNE FACADE.

Hey, Sandra doesn't have a "shampayne facade"! Oh, wait...

Apple Pie Napoleon

This really wasn't very good, and some of the steps made no sense. Why waste a perfectly good apple pie when all you need is the filling? Just use a can of apple pie filling, or cook some apples.

-

In the middle of making ths my little son asked me what I was doing to the pie and we both just dissolved in laughter.

Not only does Sandra waste food, she scares the little children!

Pear Butter

The worst thing since world war two!
I tried this recipe and it is horrible. My children wouldn't eat it, and my husband didn't like it either! And the truth of it is.. I hated it to!! It was a waste of my money and time. My advise, don't even bother with this recipe, you put in the effort, and it doesn't give anything back.

I will stay away from any recipe that inspires that kind of hyperbole.

Sweet and Spicy Glazed Cornish Game Hens:

First of all, it needs alot more seasoning. The amount of jerk paste called for barely can be tasted. Also needs salt. It's surprisingly tasteless as made per the recipe. But LOOK OUT, if you make it per the recipe the birds will be disgustingly underdone. Plan on adding at least 15 minutes to the cooking time but you really need to keep checking on them which makes cooking them a pain. But nothing is worse than bloody poultry.

-

Skeevy.

Skeevy? I've only heard this word used to describe seedy nightclubs and the middle aged men who frequent said clubs. If this dish compares to either, I'm definitely staying away.

Don't believe me? This is one of the first photos that shows up when you search Google Images for "skeevy":

Beer Ball Buffet

Even better than syrup of ipecac!

There's a ringing endorsement.

Lasagna

This is the worst lasagna I ever had.. don't know what to do with the rest...

-

I found the tomato soup to be a very poor idea in lasagna. This tasted terrible.

-

I had such hope for this recipe, because I almost always have cottage cheese and tomato soup in my pantry. But it just didn't work. I'm ashamed to say I've never been able to make good lasagna and for once even Sandra Lee's recipe let me down. Ah, well, it's back to the frozen foods department for me!

-

Sorry Sandra Lee, but this was the most disgusting lasagna I have ever had the displeasure of preparing or eating. There was nothing to redeem this recipe..the sauce was not good, the cottage cheese made the texture funky and nothing seemed to jive. And the more I thought about tomato soup in my lasagna, the worse it seemed. Definitely skip this one.

-

The vinegar in this recipe came through to the point where it overwhelmed the rest of the flavors. I had to toss the entire thing and order a pizza instead, what a waste of time and money. How did such an obviously inept "cook" make it onto the Food Network?

-

You have to be kidding with this recipe! Tomato soup?? Vinegar??? Cottage cheese?????? If you must stay true to the "semi-homemade" concept, why not just send your viewers out to get a jar of tomato sauce, some ground beef, some no-cook lasagne noodles, and some mozzarella? At least then it will taste remotely like lasagne.

I admire the courage of anyone willing to bake a lasagna that contains tomato soup, apple cider vinegar and cottage cheese.

Hmm, I wonder what kind of ratings Rachael Ray's recipes are getting....

*I want to give a shout out to the person from Portland, Maine who has left a negative review on nearly every one Sandra Lee's 417 recipes - that is dedication.

Food Network Tidbits: Welcome to 2006

2006-01-03T15:06:00.000-08:00

First off, I hope everyone had a great holiday season! Mine was hectic but a lot of fun - good food and good friends.

Next, I'd like to welcome everyone from the following sites: Something So Clever, Kitchen Mage, Cooking with Amy, Zen Foodism and Red-State.com.

Here are a few Food Network-related items that will get us through the post-holiday funk:

A funny Sandra Lee - Bell Biv Devoe mashup (MP3 format).
Rachael Ray is Not God: wherein our hero meets Rachael Ray in person and then gets fired for blogging about it.
Food Network's Top Ten Recipes of 2005: I'm not sure what they based this list on, but the score looks like this: Giada 1, Alton 1, Paula 8. As much as I hate to say it, I think Paula Deen is going to be the Rachael Ray of 2006, at least as far as overexposure goes. Let's hope our gal handles it with grace and decorum.

Finally, I made Giada's Macaroni and Cheese over the holiday and it was one of the best dishes I've ever made¹. I served it with french bread and a side salad and it was divine.

I recently discovered a fun pastime that I'll share with you later in the week. All I can say is: Sandra Lee is the gift that keeps on giving!

¹Please note that the recipe on the website is incorrect: use 2 TBSP of flour instead of the 1 TBSP listed or else your mac and cheese will be runny. No one likes runny mac and cheese. Also, what is up with Giada's picture on Foodnetwork.com's recipes? Looks like her hairline starts about 6 inches above her eyebrows.

Friday Frozen Dinner: The Twelve Days Of Christmas

2005-12-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Ah, the holidays. Vacations are starting, guests are coming in, much chocolate and wine is being consumed. The next time I see y'all, it'll probably be 2006.

Everyone have a fantastic holiday season!

....On the twelfth day of Christmas, Food Network gave to me:

Twelve Giadas grinning

Eleven Saras sniping

Ten Sticks of butter

Nine Bobbys boasting

Eight Daves a-twitching

Seven Tylers flirting

Six Dirty restaurants

Five Ra-chael Rays!

Four Emerils yelling

Three french hens

Two Alton Browns

And...

One hungover Sandra Lee

Food Network Tidbits

2005-12-22T15:02:00.000-08:00

Whew, what a week! Anyone else feel like today should be Friday?

Here are a few Food Network-related tidbits:

Rachael Ray claims she knows what it's like to be you. From the article:

The promise [of a 30 minute meal] is a siren song to anyone arriving home hungry at 6 p.m., to novices cowed by Emeril Lagasse's restaurant creations, to women who think Giada De Laurentiis and Sandra Lee are too thin to be teaching them how to cook.

I don't really have a horse in this race, but let me just say that believe that good cooks can be thin¹, bad cooks can be fat, and no one should be intimidated by the creations on Emeril Live. At any rate, at least check out the photo of Rachael.

What do Sandra Lee, Rocco Dispirito, Whole Foods and Stella McCartney have in common? They all support a boycott of Canadian seafood due to a controversial annual seal hunt.

Here's a fun Q&A with Paula Deen². You want to meet Paula as much as I do? Bid on a trip to visit Savannah and Paula!

¹The exception to this is Low Carb and Lovin' It. I saw a few episodes of this and I was hatin' it. First, I think the guy is unbelieveably creepy. Second, he looks really unhealthy. Last, his food is gross.

²I think USA Today's Pop Candy blog is the best mainstream media-affiliated blog out there. She's a good writer, she scores the best interviews and she's a must-read for celebrity gossip scoops. Add it to your newsreader!

All Star Holiday Party Hangover

2005-12-19T14:19:00.000-08:00

As you know, I was eagerly anticipating the Food Network's All Star Holiday Party. Although my cable was out for most of the weekend due to a storm, I was able to catch the All Star show late last night.

Rachael Ray cooked a nasty looking Christmas pasta while Bobby Flay looked on in disbelief. Okay, maybe I'm projecting but I sure as hell was looking on in disbelief.

Emeril and Paula seem like old friends; albeit type-A control-freak old friends. The ham looked delicious.

Sandra Lee, true to form, mentioned getting drunk only 2 minutes into her segment with Bobby Flay. Bobby was pretty chill and did not insult anyone or have any objects inserted into his nether regions.

Sandra Lee's dips were disgusting. Every time I watch her show, I think she's going to finally make something that is going to tempt me and so far it hasn't happened. And the spooning of the dip into the zip loc piping bag was so unnecessary! It was like she wanted an excuse to show off her zip loc "skillz".

Michael Chiarello is sexy: there, I said it.

Did Candace Olson raid Pier One for the table decorations? I kind of dug the colors, but I don't dig 100% matchy-matchy decorating schemes. It just looks so...forced.

The last cooking segment featured Paula and Rachael baking a pumpkin roll cake. Rachael constantly interrupted Paula, and she kept bragging about how she doesn't measure and how she doesn't know how to bake. I don't know why Rachael so proud of this fact or why she thinks it's endearing, because it's neither.

At one point Rachael chided Paula by saying, "Tell us what you're doing. You're talking over everything and you're not telling us what you're doing." What?! The last few times I've watched 30 Minute Meals I had no idea what was happening because Rachael's stream-of-consciousness rambling added no value to the show whatsowever.

Paula was exceedingly patient and a real gentlewoman; if I were Paula I would have taken my cast iron to the side of Rachael's head. Rachael's ADHD goofiness is tiresome enough on her own show, but she couldn't even hold it together for 10 minutes as a guest of Paula's. Rachael has disrespected Paula, all of Food Network, and the audience for far too long.

"What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? ... And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you."

Sara's Secrets Are Out

2005-12-15T14:34:00.000-08:00

Sara Moulton is a fine chef. In fact, she probably has the most impressive resume of any Food Network host. Sara's Secrets is always informative and her dishes look really good. She has no obnoxious gimmicks or annoying sayings. People who have met her in person say that she's warm and friendly.

I should like Sara's Secrets. But I don't.

For one thing, Sara always seems to be screwing up her dishes. She'll omit a main ingredient or will undercook something and she always says, "Oh, don't worry, yours will turn out better." What? I understand that things don't always turn out as planned in the kitchen (believe me, I understand!) but I'm sorry, if you're the executive chef of Gourmet magazine and this is not live tv, then it should be right!

Sara bugs me when she's alone in the kitchen, but if she has a guest she is intolerable. Sara insists on being top dog in the kitchen and always seems tense and impatient with her guests, so I'm not sure why she even invites people on the show. She's always interrupting the guests and once I even saw her wrestle a whisk from her guest's hands¹!

Besides, whenever she has guests on I find myself constantly wondering how tall she is²:

On December 31, Sara's Secret will be removed from the Food Network. Sara's Secrets will be moved to PBS, where all the real cooks seem to be headed these days. Although I personally don't care for her show, this may signal the wrong direction for the Food Network. As I've written before, I want diversity at the Food Network and I hope they're not ditching Sara in order to make room for yet another Rachael Ray venture or an Unwrapped spinoff.

Sara is a heck of a cook and I am going to scope out her new cookbook, Sara's Secrets for Weeknight Meals. Move over Sandra Lee and Rachael Ray, Sara is going to school us all in how to create fast, easy meals without resorting to cheeseburger salads and corn nut cakes.

¹When it comes to being bitchy with one's guests, Giada is one of the worst. Check out this clip.

²For the record, she's "less than five feet tall".

Friday Frozen Dinner: Back Care with Rachael Ray

2005-12-09T14:42:00.000-08:00

Many years ago I waited tables at a popular chain restaurant. I learned a lot during my 2 year tenure: I could memorize the orders of a 6-top, handle being triple and even quadruple sat by the ditzy hostesses, and fend off the advances of our slimy line cooks.

One of the most important things I learned was to never go anywhere empty handed. Something always needed to be done, whether you were opening the restaurant, handling a rush or doing sidework. And, why take multiple trips if you could do it in one? To this day, when I'm cleaning house I'll carry big piles of stuff in order to save time. It's not uncommon on cleaning day to see me running around with 2 pairs of shoes, 4 magazines, a hair clip, 2 water glasses, 3 bills, and a houseplant (don't ask) just because I don't want to backtrack through the house.

Rachael Ray must've waited tables at some point, because she's a big believer in the "one trip" philosophy. She gathers up great piles of cookware and ingredients and makes her way from the refrigerator or pantry to her cooking space. Like everything else she does, she has little names for what she does: if it's just a few spices it's an "easy carry" but if it's 40 lbs. of miscellany, it's a "tricky carry". Those tricky carries look like a strong man event sometimes, and I'm worried she's going to throw her back out. I may carry a lot of crap around the house, but you'll never see me struggling with something so heavy my knees start to give.

Rachael, I know that it's part of your schtick, but with everything else that's going on, you don't need to be doing a pack mule imitation.

Easy carries:

Tricky carries:

Call the chiropractor carries:

Food Network Tidbits

2005-12-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

First off, welcome to everyone who's come over from Something So Clever. Alicat runs a tight ship over there, and I'm honored to be featured!

Alton Brown updated his site. The blog is long gone, but those of you who find my site while searching for "alton brown is hot" and "alton brown sexiest man 2005" should be pleased with his new photos.

I haven't written about Dan and Steve yet, mainly because I haven't been able to sit through one of their shows, but I hate to say anything negative about them. They seem like genuinely nice guys and I wish them the best with this incredible opportunity. It seems lots of people enjoy watching them, because their show has been renewed for another 13 episodes. Hey, when did they change the name to Party Line with The Hearty Boys?

Obviously this doesn't apply to anyone reading this blog, but for anyone who doesn't have a computer to access to Food Network's recipes on the web, they have a toll-free customer service number: 1-800-565-FOOD. I'm going to give this info to an aunt who will probably start calling them 5 times a day!

A helpful commenter just directed me to Curtis Aikens' site. I'd never heard of the guy before, but apparently he's been with Food Network since its inception. His recipes are vegetarian and I love the emphasis on tropical fruits and veggies. He has some holiday recipes as well.

Rachael Ray Intervention

2005-12-07T16:48:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I wrote about my mixed feelings concerning the most popular host on Food Network. When I first started watching 30 Minute Meals a few years ago, I enjoying watching Rachael and even thought she'd make a groovy gal-pal. As she started to become more spastic, I found myself becoming irritated with her and her cute little sayings grew annoying. Now if I see Rachael Ray on tv (and she could be anywhere these days: Entertainment Tonight, Jay Leno, Oprah), I turn the channel.

First, the food she's been cooking looks really gross. When I was a kid, my sister and I once made a concoction we called Cuckoo Soup, in which we were allowed to throw anything from the kitchen in a bowl and mix it up. Of course it was wasteful because it was disgusting and we didn't eat any of it, but often it looks like Rachael is cooking up her own version of Cuckoo Soup (the Hot Dog Mac N Cheese might be the most egregious example of this). I sometimes wonder if she's run out of ideas and inspiration.

I know Rachael has always had a lot of energy and she is the poster child for perky, but lately she seems to be really out of it. The other night Food Network ran a recent episode of 30 Minute Meals, and followed it with an older show. She was a total spazz in the first show, with her arms flailing about and she was talking a mile a minute, then in the older show she was more at ease - even mellow at times - and she actually seemed to be enjoying herself. (Hint: To tell if it's new Rachael, check out her hair. Old Rachael's hair is dark brown; new Rachael's hair is highlighted within an inch of its life.) Girlfriend is probably running herself ragged trying to film her 4 Food Network shows, film her upcoming talk show, promote her new magazine, rein in her crazy father and maybe even try to get to know her new husband. Does anyone else think she's a month away from an uncomfortable televised PR disaster?

I watched Rachael Ray's Holiday Entertaining in 60 the other night and I'd tell you about it, but I couldn't understand a damn thing the woman said. She talked for 60 minutes straight, and her hand movements were so exaggerated that at times it seemed like some kind of high-strung performance art. All I know is people don't act like that when they're well-rested, well-fed and sober. See for yourself:

Food Network, if you're asking her to act like a housewife on speed, stop it. It's not going to help your ratings and it won't do you any good if your cash cow ends up in rehab.

So rest up, Rachael. Take a vacation, spend some time with your sweetie and dye your hair back. Do whatever you need to do to get healthy.

Because one minute, you're in your kitchen and on top of the world:

And the next minute you're, well....

Tara Reid and Sandra Lee: Separated at birth?

2005-12-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

Friday Frozen Dinner: Sandra Lee's Feeding Rainbow

2005-12-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

I have many questions regarding Sandra Lee.

Why is she so proud of her ziploc piping bags?

What is the real story of the breakup of her marriage?

At what point will her breasts hang below her waist?

How long till she appears naked in Playboy?

How did she get her own tv show?

But my number one question is:

Why does her kitchen always coordinate with her outfits?

I know, I know, how can I expect a woman with pancake makeup and bleeding mascara to not want to fiddle around with her kitchen every other day? It is like a freakin Broadway show on her set, complete with changing sets, stage makeup, costumes and dramatics.

Here's my evidence, ROYGBIV-style.

Here's a whole bunch of Sandra Lee photos from recent media events, including such pairings as Sandra Lee and Mary Hart, Sandra Lee and Adrien Brody, and Sandra Lee and Jadakiss.

Food Network All Star Holiday Party Countdown

2005-11-29T17:13:00.000-08:00

It's official: I can't wait for the Food Network's All Star Holiday Party!

Emeril, Rachael, Bobby Flay, Paula, Michael Chiarello and Sandra Lee.

I can just picture Alton Brown seeing Sandra's name and saying, "Hell no."

Will Emeril be drunk? Will Rachael slobberingly seek everyone's approval?

Will Michael Chiarello be mesmerized by Sandra Lee's boobs (confirming once again that I have no gaydar)?

Mark your calendars for Sunday, December 18!

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a&amp;amp;amp;gt;Countdown To The Food Network's All Star Holiday Party"&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;gt;

Friday Frozen Dinner's Guide to Emeril

2005-11-25T12:22:00.000-08:00

I can't help but like Emeril. The food he cooks looks tasty, he's knowledgable and he seems like a nice guy.

What's that? You can't stand Emeril Live? That's okay, neither can I.

In my mind, there are two Emerils. There is Quiet Emeril of Essence of Emeril and Loud Emeril of Emeril Live. Quiet Emeril is chill (and sometimes even looks like he's been partaking in some, shall we say, herbal remedies). Loud Emeril is brash and a showboat. Half the things Loud Emeril says don't make sense; it's like listening to someone play a videogame in another room.

Exhibit A: Essence of Emeril

Exhibit B: Emeril Live

In short, Emeril is just like my grandpa. If it's just a small group, my grandpa is relaxed and fun to be around. But as soon as he's in a crowd, my grandpa's inner Entertainer comes out, and pretty soon it's nonstop jokes, pronouncements and interruptions. It's charming when you first meet him, but it gets old quick. Emeril is a cook by trade but really wants to be an entertainer (evidenced by his short-lived sitcom, Emeril). My grandpa was a carpenter by trade but really wanted to be an entertainer (evidenced by his forays into music, including the saxophone, harmonica and saw). The secret to enjoying their company is to control your environment, set boundaries, and keep them away from crowds at all costs. I do this by only visiting my grandpa on non-holidays, and by only watching Emeril when he's not in a room with 100 ~~enablers~~ ~~people straight out of 1989~~ tourists.

Without further ado, Armchair Cook presents the Guide to Emeril:

Quiet Emeril: "Confucious says..."

Loud Emeril: "KICK IT UP ANOTHER NOTCH!"

Quiet Emeril: < silence >

Loud Emeril: "BAAAAAM!"

"Quiet Emeril: "Painting breadsticks is a good way to get in touch with nature."

Loud Emeril: "OH YEAH, BABY!"

Quiet Emeril: "I enjoy a white wine."

Loud Emeril: "I AM THE WHITE WIZARD!"

Food Coma: 5 Suggestions to Improve the Food Network

2005-11-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

It's only Monday and I already have Thanksgiving fatigue. In the last few weeks I've watched Rachael, Paula, Alton, Giada, Michael and Emeril prepare Thanksgiving meals. In case you missed these shows, let me sum them up:

Turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cranberries, pie.
Turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cranberries, pie.
Turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cranberries, pie.
Turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cranberries, pie.
Turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cranberries, pie.
Turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cranberries, pie.

I'm a little grumpy today. I feel like I've been watching the same show on repeat for the last two weeks. Only the faces are different.

I love the Food Network. I watch it all the time, but that doesn't mean it's perfect. I'd love to see a few changes and additions to my favorite channel.

1. Add a vegetarian cooking show (or two).

I'm pretty confounded as to why this has not happened yet. The Food Network already has a whole section of its site dedicated to vegetarian recipes. Eating vegetarian does not mean you have to give up leather, tasty food, or common sense. Many people eat meatless every day, so the show would not only appeal to hard-core hairy-pitted vegans.

Might I suggest Toni Fiore of Delicious TV and Regina Campbell of Regina's Vegetarian Table? If you don't want to poach all of PBS' programming, then how about Annie Somerville of San Francisco's iconic Greens restaurant?

Agree with me? Sign this petition asking Food Network to add a vegetarian show its lineup.

2. Add some ethnic cooking shows (as well as ethnic hosts) to the lineup.

First off, I understand that the Food Network wants to cater to the widest possible audience, so it's not going to have a Tibetan Recipe Extravaganza anytime soon. However, a lot of people enjoy Latin (especially Mexican) and Asian food - at least as many as those who like Italian, and look how much air time Italian food gets.

I liked the idea of one contestant from last season's The Next Food Network Star, travelling around the world to find new and exciting dishes. While the production costs of a travelling cooking show would be prohibitive, I'd love to watch a show where, for instance, the host would throw a dart at a world map and then next week he or she would have to cook a meal from that region. They could bring in a native of that country to assist, or the host would have to wing it.

While we're diversifying the food, let's diversify the hosts! Now, I don't think the Food Network has to be a rainbow coalition, but are the only cooks in America caucasian? I already mentioned Food Network Canada's Rob Rainford. Anyone remember Padma Lakshmi? This former fashion model cooked amazing food and, move over Giada and Sandra, is one of the most gorgeous women in the world. Her first cookbook, Easy Exotic, is one of the best kitchen resources I own.

3. Bring back gourmet.

I don't think I'm alone in saying that when I watch a show on the Food Network, there's a 90% chance that I will never want to make the food they're cooking. I will pick up ideas here and there, but mostly I want to be entertained. What is more entertaining than watching a highly educated and experienced chef prepare a meal containing ingredients that cost more than your rent?

4. Embrace the Web.

Food Network is doing a pretty good job with this one. Their website is pretty thorough, with lots of info about hosts and a searchable recipe database. Even though I don't care for Dave Lieberman, today the Food Network launched a 13-part Internet-only cooking show called Eat This with Dave Lieberman. From the press release:

Hosted by the critically acclaimed young chef, author and host of "Good
Deal With Dave Lieberman," each of the 13 episodes will visit several of the
hottest spots in five major U.S. cities, New York, Chicago, Seattle, San
Francisco and Miami, to focus on hot new trends and crazes in cuisine.
Lieberman will delve into everything from science-influenced food (in such
famed places as NYC's WD-50 and Chicago's Moto) to specialty meats (alligator,
kangaroo, elk) and flavored salt (smoked, Hawaiian red and Maldon) to spicy
sweets (chocolate truffles and bars flavored with curry, goat cheese and basil).

I like the idea of Web-only content, but this is just like $40 a Day, Tasty Travels, and Roker on the Road. The Next Food Network Star page has unaired videos of each contestant online, and lets viewers vote on their favorite. I'd love to see supplemental information for shows that have already aired on television, as well as original content that features actual cooking. Behind the scenes features might be a good place to start. And why don't any of the Food Network hosts blog at FoodNetwork.com?

5. Variety is the spice of life.

I'm no cooking show purist. That is, I love watching actual cooking and learning how to make new dishes, but I also enjoy some of Food Network's other programming. The jury is still out on Restaurant Makeover (who are bigger jerks, the designer and chef, or the restaurant owners?), but I do like Recipe for Success. Unwrapped bores me to tears, but I do enjoy the Food Network Challenges.

I'd love to follow a group of students through culinary school. I'd also watch Super Size Me-type experiments where someone only eats the food they cook for 30 days. I'm surprised that Food Network doesn't have any kind of kitchenry gadget program - I would totally be into a show that reviewed or showcased different types of kitchenware and appliances. Heck, they could even plug their own wares, considering they sell all kinds of kitchenware at Foodnetwork.com.

What do think of these ideas? Do you have any suggestions to improve the Food Network?

Friday Frozen Dinner Drink: Sandra Lee

2005-11-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

Our Friday Frozen Drink is brought to us this week by Sandra Lee:

Semi-Homemade means Always Buzzed.

"5 for me, 1 for you...."

I'd bet money she copped a feel on that guy sometime during the night.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

"I have only five words for you: From my cold, dead hands."

Breaking Bobby Flay

2005-11-17T16:45:00.000-08:00

Whether he's barbecuing on the patio of his fabulous Manhattan apartment on Boy Meets Grill or condescending to the unwashed masses on FoodNation, Bobby Flay pisses me off. I've seen FoodNation only once, because he treated the regular people on the show with such disdain and disinterest that it pissed me off. I watch Food Network to unwind. I don't want to get worked up because a rich jackass on tv is rolling his eyes at an old man's recipe for ribs. He's arrogant and obnoxious and mean, much like another reality tv redhead:

I won't speculate on what other similarities Flay may share with Bonaduce, but I do know that Flay is on his third marriage, with Law & Order star Stephanie March. Veiled Conceit eviscerated their New York Times wedding announcement this spring. Can you imagine if your daughter married this guy?

My dislike for Bobby Flay was always at a low simmer until I recently learned of his infamous Iron Chef incidents, which are succinctly summed up here:

Flay honed this type of social brutality during his storied appearances on "Iron Chef." At the end of his first battle against Japanese Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto, a smack-talking, posturing Flay jumped triumphantly onto the counter. Standing on his cuttingboard and doing that dorky "raise the roof" hand gesture, Flay lead the crowd in chanting "U.S.A! U.S.A!" All of this, but primarily the standing on the cutting board part, grievously offended Morimoto and the rest of the Japanese contingent.

Hilariously, Flay lost the battle, and afterwards took every opportunity to complain to the press that it was unfair, that his equipment was inferior to his challenger's and that the odds were stacked against him. A year later, he was afforded a rematch, which he ended up winning. As the final buzzer sounded, Flay jumped up and stood on the counter once again. In typically obnoxious fashion, he pointed out that this time he wasn't standing on the cutting board cause he didn't want to offend anybody. "He's so American!" the young Japanese actress on the panel of judges tittered nervously. Morimoto just shook his head in disbelief.

I mean, what do you say about a guy who would do something that obnoxious and then would be clueless enough to think that the only offensive part was that he stood on the cutting board? Allissa Rowinksy's essay articulates all the bad vibes I've ever gotten from Bobby Flay over the years. Check it out.

As far as his food goes, I have no beef with Bobby Flay. His food always looks pretty good, although I find his overuse of mango to be suspicious. But it's barbecue: it always looks good! It is sort of amusing that the most arrogant person on the Food Network has made a name for himself doing exactly what the rest of America does on a Sunday afternoon. This guy says it best:

Arrogant? Why would he have the need to be arrogant? Dude, you f***ing barbeque. My dad barbeques. My mom, the gourmet, won’t go near the grill. How can you be an arrogant asshole about barbequing?

In his defense, Flay may not be a total tool. Flay has a feature on his site called Ask Bobby. I don't know if he is the one really responding to these people's questions, but the answers don't seem too bad. I guess I was expecting him to be openly hostile like he is on television.

Actually, I don't care what he's like in real life, because on tv he makes my blood boil. If you come across as a smug jerk on television, then maybe tv isn't for you. But it's not really his fault: I'd be smug too if I had conned Food Network into giving me four shows.

If the Food Network insists on having a BBQ man, then I suggest Rob Rainford of Food Network Canada. I haven't seen him in action, but the CBC carried an adoring piece about his style of cooking show and, really, he couldn't be any worse than Bobby Flay.

Paula Deen Coronary Watch at TVGasm

2005-11-15T12:33:00.000-08:00

The good folks over at TVGasm have done it again. First they had Giada Watch 2005; now they've added the Paula Deen Coronary Watch.

What other watches would you like to see? I'm all about a Barefoot Contessa Cracked-Out-Camera-Angle Watch.

Food Network's All Star Thanksgiving: I'm Thankful for Alton Brown

2005-11-14T13:54:00.000-08:00

As a vegetarian, I don't get too worked up about Thanksgiving. The turkey and its juices find their way into the potatoes, stuffing, and gravy and then I'm left snacking on my homemade tofu loaf and cranberry relish. One year I foolishly ate some stuffing to placate my friend's mom and let's just say my body was very unhappy for the next 36 hours.

Still, I was looking forward to the Food Network All Star Thanksgiving Special. The previews made it look like Rachael, Emeril, Alton, Sara, Tyler, Paula and Giada were going to do a lot of sitting around and eating. 90% of the show featured the cooks in their usual kitchens and only in the last few minutes did the Food Network stars come together. The only memorable dishes were Tyler's nasty looking sausage-artichoke concoction ("I got this recipe on my latest trip to Italy," he said.), Sara's gorgeous apple tart, and Emeril's Red Rooster drinks. All in all, the show was a real snoozer, with one exception.

That exception is Alton Brown. I have a bunch of favorite Food Network hosts, including Paula Deen, Michael Chiarello, and Ina Garten. They are congenial, competent and cook yummy food. But seeing Alton's turkey segment follow everyone else's, when it comes to charisma, innovation, information and overall watchability, no one even comes close to matching Alton Brown. Good Eats isn't fluff, it's where science meets entertainment. Alton's expressiveness and comic timing match that of the best comedians, while his knack for explaining complex concepts rivals that of Bill Nye and Mr. Wizard. I'm glad Alton carved the turkey and sat at the head of the table, because he is clearly the alpha male of the Food Network clan.

I love Good Eats. My favorite episode is his Down and Out in Paradise special, where he is stranded on the remote island of Oahu, and according to this FAQ it is the most fun Alton has had as a filmmaker (does that include School Daze?). I don't really remember much of the science from the show, which is why his book I'm Just Here for the Food is so valuable. Seriously, if you're only going to buy one cookbook this year, get this one. It's entertaining and a great resource.

Alton used to have a blog but he's revising that portion of his site due to harassment by 'net idiots*. I honestly can't imagine anyone not liking Alton Brown. Even people who don't like Food Network have good things to say about him.

Want more Alton Brown? Check out the Good Eats Fan Page (it's kind of hard to navigate, but the whole site is filled with good Alton info, so click away!).

A couple Alton quotes from the Thanksgiving special:

"I picked this up on a trip to south Georgia." - to Tyler, who has reminded us 8 times that his gross artichoke dish was picked up on a trip to Italy.

"You need it!" - while placing an entire turkey breast on tiny Giada's plate.

I'm surprised Sandra and Ina weren't part of the Thanksgiving dinner. I have a feeling, though, that if Alton and Sandra were in the same room, the universe might implode.

Friday Frozen Dinner: Giada de Laurentiis

2005-11-11T14:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday!

Today's Friday Frozen Dinner features Little Big Head herself, Giadada de Laurentiiiiiiis:

My cat gets this look after getting into the catnip.

What kind of maniacal plot is she hatching? (And is that Penelope Cruz?)

My face hurts just looking at this.

That bread is about to be used as a weapon.

I'm just waiting for the top of her head to pop off.

It's not Everyday Italian without a little Everyday Cleavage.

"I'm having fish tonight."

What's the matter with Paula?

2005-11-09T14:14:00.000-08:00

For a story about succeeding against the odds, read Paula Deen's biography. I'd heard she was agoraphobic, but I had no idea she was basically housebound for 20 years. I hope her old demons aren't coming back to haunt her, as she's seemed really off in her most recent shows. It's almost like she's constantly close to tears, and she doesn't look healthy. Her skin is all sallow and I suspect she has on a ton of makeup. Yesterday I watched her start crying as she talked about her Daddy who died when she was 19. Anyway, I hope she's okay and back to her saucy, butter-loving self in no time.

The Barefoot Contessa Project

2005-11-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

When I first saw Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network, I hated it. Something about it made me totally uneasy and it seemed unwatchable. At first I thought it was because of the host, Ina Garten, but after catching parts of the show a few more times, I realized it was because of the crack head cameraman. Maybe they're trying to be artsy by emulating The Blair Witch Project, but I find the weird camera angles distracting.

I also have a feeling they're trying to spend as little time as possible focusing on the sometimes-frumpy Ina. Can you imagine Rachael Ray or Sandra Lee with as few mid-range shots or closeups as Ina?

Once I got past the nauseating camerawork, I realized that my girl Ina can really cook. I especially love her desserts - they look like something that would come out of a swanky pastry shop and she often uses fresh fruit. Ina breaks it down so we mere mortals can make desserts like Raspberry Orange Trifle, Strawberry Country Cake, and Chocolate Ganache Cupcakes.

Ina is always cooking things for her husband Jeffrey, who works "far away" during the week and comes home on Friday nights. She's always seems overly-fawning when talking about him, like one of those girls in high school that talked about her "long distance boyfriend" who you know didn't exist. The way Ina talks about him is a little creepy and Stepford-ish sometimes, but not only does Jeffrey exist, they seem to have a comfortable, easygoing rapport, which makes sense since they've been married for 37 years.

I did some research on Jeffrey and I discovered two surprising things: 1) his name is not spelled Geoffrey - I would have bet the farm on that one - and 2) Jeffrey works "far away" as the Dean of the Yale School of Management.

I then discovered that Ina founded her specialty food store, Barefoot Contessa, after she grew tired of working at the White House Office of Management and Budget, specifically on Nuclear Energy Policy. What?! She says in this interview:

I worked in the White House from 1974 to 1978 during the Ford and Carter administrations. I worked in the Office of Management and Budget on nuclear energy issues. It was very exciting for the first few years because your work was going directly to the President. However, after four years, I realized that although I was working on projects that were $20 billion in size, nothing had happened in four years. I needed to run something that I owned and that I could make my own decisions with. Plus, I needed immediate feedback. I've found in the food business that I can decide at 8am if I want to see if people will buy sticky buns; we make them, and by 5pm I know if it was a good idea.

It's not exactly a rags to riches story, but I do have respect for people who parlay their interests into careers they love. I've always wondered what she and Jeffrey did to afford that unbelievable house in the Hamptons, and now I know. Some people find Ina arrogant and flashy (how many times have we seen her Mercedes?), but that doesn't bother me. She's rich; get over it. Are we also going to pretend that Rachael Ray is just like you and me, spending $40 a Day when she travels? Besides, I think Ina has the nicest kitchen this side of Martha Stewart - that doesn't come cheap.

So now we know the story of Ina Garten, from White House wonk to Food Network star, cookbook author, and East Hampton hostess extraordinaire. She and is obviously educated and successful. Now why doesn't she fire that damn cameraman?

Michael Chiarello's Behemoth Burger

2005-11-07T22:08:00.000-08:00

Armchair Cook is on vacation. Please welcome special guest commentator Toby Driftwood.

I like mine with lettuce and tomato
Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer
Well good God Almighty which way do I steer for my....

Cheeseburger in paradise!

While most of us are familiar with Jimmy Buffett's ode to the ground round, is enough attention given to the cheeseburger? Scratch that. The Good Cheeseburger? From Harmon's Hamburgers in Falmouth, Maine to Kua'aina Burger in Haleiwa, Hawaii, America's fascination and ultimately The Food Network's appreciation for our favorite meal is beginning to take center stage.

My personal acknowledgement of The Food Network first began in the spring of ought five. While lazily shuffling through my 600 channels of nothing, I spotted a man giving careful attention to a handful of ground beef.

Remembering my obligation towards The Good Cheeseburger, I shooshed my empty room and told the air that a burger was soon to be born. I put down the clicker and paid close attention. The man, as I would later learn, was Michael Chiarello and he approached the procedure with a fine, unwavering love. The addition of herbs and onions into the beef had me on edge.

Saliva flooded my mouth as Michael assured me that everything would turn out 'fantastic.' (In later viewings of the show, I've realized that this is Michael's only adjective for anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

"This will be fantastic!"

A handful of careful minutes on the grill with the addition of some fresh cheddar and the burger was ready. It was placed in between a Kaiser Roll and just like that, The Food Network and Michael Chiarello had a new fan: the burger-loving Toby Driftwood.

Tell me about your love affair with the cheeseburger. How do you like them? Who makes your favorite? In the meantime, keep those arteries clear and have the defibrilator handy.

Friday Frozen Dinner: Rachael Ray

2005-11-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

Armchair Cook is introducing a new weekly feature: The Friday Frozen Dinner! Each week we'll go through some of the worst freeze-frames that the Food Network has to offer.

Who better to kick things off than the queen of unflattering freeze-frames herself, Rachael Ray!

A-choo!

She's really excited to get going!

"Pleeeeeeeease keep watching my show!"

"Why would you stop watching my shows?"

Bonus: a fire in Rachael's kitchen.

Who in the World is Robin Miller?

2005-11-03T16:56:00.000-08:00

I've been seeing quite a few promos on Food Network for Quick Fix Meals with Robin Miller. It appears to be in the same vein as 30 Minute Meals and Semi-Homemade Cooking. I'm of the opinion that Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee are holding down the fort quite nicely when it comes to quick 'n' easy cooking and Food Network should find themselves a qualified chef for a vegetarian cooking show.

At any rate, Robin Miller seems normal enough in the promos, but a friend of mine saw the premiere episode the other day and reports that Ms. Miller 1) has some questionable sanitation standards involving poultry and 2) has Crazy Eyes, a la the Runaway Bride.

I probably won't be able to catch her show till the weekend so this afternoon I did some Googling to try to find more about this mysterious Robin Miller. She is strangely absent from FoodNetwork.com's Host and Celebrity Cooks page, but a short bio is listed on Food Network's Ad Sales website:

Robin Miller has 12 years of experience as a food writer and nutritionist. She earned a master’s degree in Food and Nutrition from New York University. Currently, she is Contributing Editor for Health and Cooking Light magazines and has regular features in many national publications. Miller is also the author of six books, including: Picnics (Clarkson Potter, 2005), Verdure (Clarkson Potter, 2001), The Newlywed Cookbook (Sourcebooks, 1999), The Daily Soup (Hyperion, 1999), Jane Fonda, Cooking for Healthy Living (Turner, 1996), and The Newlywed Cookbook (R&E Publishers, 1991). She currently lives in Arizona with her family.

Her books are listed on Amazon under the name Robin Vitetta-Miller, and it looks like they carry most of them. She has written quite a bit for Shape magazine, too.

It seems Robin Miller has the credentials, but is her show any good?

Paula Deen hates your arteries

2005-11-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

Paula Deen is about the cutest thing I've ever seen. I love how she wears her glasses at the end of her nose while she's cooking and how she refers to her dishes with male pronouns ("Let's put some salt on him and make the flavor come out"). Her wedding special was super cute, even though her husband could be a Robert E. Lee impersonator. Of all the pleas for donations in the wake of Katrina, hers seemed most sincere. She designs a heck of a cute shoe. She has a magazine called Cooking With Paula Deen.

I know Southern food isn't the most health-conscious, but yesterday I watched Paula make Baked Garlic Cheese Grits using a stick of butter and one and a half pounds of cheese (the recipe calls for cheddar but it looked like she was using a package of Velveeta on the show). I'm no prude, but her butter usage astounds me.

"What? The Piggly Wiggly is out of butter?!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Sandra Lee: Trick or Treat?

2005-10-30T19:11:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about Sandra Lee. She hosts Semi-Homemade Cooking, but it's really more like half-assed cooking. She looks like she may have once been a mean sorority sister (the University of Wisconsin is her alma mater). Her soon-to-be-ex-husband has more money than God.

I should hate her, right? Nope, I love Sandra Lee. Sandra is like your aunt who's been married 4 times and doesn't have any kids. She works in a salon and drives a convertible. She drinks a little too much and most of the family is embarrassed by her, but you always try to sit next to her at Christmas because she's the most interesting one at the table. Who cares if she dresses a little inappropriately and she hit on your seventh grade teacher? She's the one who taught you how to put on makeup and she's the one who told you all the family secrets when you turned 18. When a boy breaks your heart, you're not going to call Mom, you're going to call Aunt Sandra, who will sit on the other end of the line drinking a bottle of wine and agree that he's a bastard for treating you like that and she never liked him anyway.

If you're a guy, you'd just be stoked to have a hot aunt.

Sandra Lee may be the Black Sheep of the Food Network family, but it wouldn't be the same without her. Who else would suggest buying pre-sliced vegetables for your pizza? Pre-sliced vegetables? That's just the beginning! According to Sandra, you can also use canned spaghetti sauce on your pizza. You hear that? That's Giadadada de Laurentiiiiiiiis wailing in horror! You can also use pre-crumbled cookies to top your cupcakes! They really sell pre-sliced veggies and pre-crumbled cookies? Americans really are lazy!

Sandra was anything but lazy when it came the costumes on her Halloween Special. She was a princess, a French maid, a can-can dancer, and a dairy maid. Four costume changes in 30 minutes? Beat that, Rachael Ray! Her boobs were popping out of the princess outfit, and I swear the cameramen were trying to obscure her breasts, Austin Powers-style, with the centerpieces on the table. The last thing the Food Network needs is a Sandra Lee wardrobe malfunction*.

I hear that Sandra Lee is getting divorced. Now, I don't want to start any rumors or anything, but did anyone else notice the vibe that she had with Tyler Florence? Was I the one only who feel the electricty pulsating between the bolts on Frankenstein's forehead and her cleavage? I'm officially on the lookout for any Sandra-Tyler gossip, because they were way too chummy on the show to escape that kind of speculation. Sandra is almost single and word has it that Tyler is a bachelor, so it wouldn't surprise me if they cooked up another joint venture. I really hope the Ghoul Aid they made together was just the beginning.

Happy Halloween, Sandra Lee. I'll definitely be sitting next to you at Christmas this year.

*Although it would please the many visitors who arrive to my site by searching for "sandra lee naked" and its variants.

Proud to be Alton Brown

2005-10-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

Which Food Network chef are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Restaurant Makeover: Extreme Filth Edition

2005-10-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

I love makeover shows. Whether they're making over people, houses or restaurants, I live for before and after photos. I finally caught Restaurant Makeover last night and based on this one episode, it's television gold. The episode summary is as follows:

Sandy, the owner of The Grapefruit Moon, is a single mother of three who has been struggling to keep things afloat. She s managed to keep her diner running for six years despite the neglect of much-needed repairs and renovations. Now her restaurant is falling apart. Restaurant Makeover's chef and designer have taken up the challenge to clean and rebuild the restaurant.

This really does not do justice to the filth, drama and assholery that I saw last night.

The gist is this: the owner of Grapefruit Moon contacted Food Network to be on Restaurant Makeover. She contributed $15,000 to the makeover and Food Network matched it. A designer came in and redid the entire restaurant and a cook came in to revamp the menu. The restaurant was extremely dirty and the entire place was in disrepair. Now, when I say extremely dirty, I mean dozens of roaches scrurrying on the wall*. When I say disrepair, I mean holes in the floor and the ceiling and duct tape holding the counter together.

The owner and the "chef" (I use that term loosely; cracked out line cook is probably more accurate) threw major attitude throughout the entire show and were unhappy with the results. The designer and the cook were pissed and repeatedly used the phrase "wasting my time".

The show ended with a postscript stating that the owner of the restaurant sold the new chairs, painted the walls black and complained to the media:

"So I get a call from a producer asking if I planned on doing any renovations," says Sandy Moon, busy sliding breakfast quesadillas onto plates on a hectic Sunday afternoon at Grapefruit Moon, the cozy restaurant at Bathurst and Follis she's owned for more than six years. "I had considered it before but couldn't afford it." Moon relays her story with surprising calm for someone who agreed to let her restaurant be made over for reality TV, especially for someone who isn't thrilled with the results, which include some irreversible changes to the restaurant's former charm. But the floor was falling apart, and the restaurant was in "disrepair," and Moon thought it would be nice to have a new kitchen."

I can kind of understand why she wouldn't be happy with the results. Beforehand the place looked more like a quirky working class neighborhood diner, and afterwards it looked much more yuppiefied and trendy. The color scheme was bright white and yellow, and I can't help but wonder if that was a deliberate "screw you" from the designer, who was appalled by the dirtiness of the restaurant. Indeed, one of the first things that the owner said upon seeing the renovation was "Oh, it's going to get so dirty!" and of course, she later painted the walls black. I can excuse crappy ambience or things being a little old or run-down, but the only proper thing to do when your dirtiness is exposed on national television is to hang your head in shame.

If she was unhappy with the design, she had every right to change it back, but kvetching to the local media about how Food Network screwed you out of some plants (see the article linked above) is not going to help your cause. Or is it? The episode postscript said that the restaurant has a packed house every night.

Ms. Moon, kvetching all the way to the bank

A quick Google search returns a couple of restaurant reviews and other people freaking out about last night's episode.

*If anyone has a roach screenshot from this episode, please send it over. That was seriously nasty.

From the Kitchen to Hollywood

2005-10-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

Paula Deen just made her acting debut in Cameron Crowe's Elizabethtown. Food Network reminded us of this every 10 minutes by airing commercials for a special called Paula Deen Goes to Hollywood. I get plenty Paula from Paula's Home Cooking, so I skipped the special.

Emeril Lagasse has probably appeared in the most non-Food Network shows, including his short-lived 2001 sitcom "Emeril". Again, I remember heavy promotion for this show and, again, I didn't watch it. Emeril also appeared in Elmo's Magic Cookbook.

Weird: Did you know that Bobby Flay appears in a 2005 film called Social Grace? The IMDB doesn't show much about this movie, but Flay appears as himself and it costars Lewis Black and Margaret Cho.

Weirder: Mario Batali has a cryptic credit for the 1993 Matthew Broderick film The Night We Never Met. I've never heard of this movie. Mario is listed as "cook: Sam's cooking". Does that mean he prepared all the food for "Sam"?

Weirdest: Looks like Alton Brown got started as a steadycam operator on Spike Lee's 1988 feature School Daze.

Also weird: the three main Food Network hotties (Rachael Ray, Sandra Lee and Giadadada de Laurentiiiiiiis) have nothing in the pipeline, according to IMDB. How long until Rachael Ray reprises a Sally Field role?

Food Network recipes I have tried

2005-10-20T18:04:00.000-07:00

I sometimes see dishes that look so good I jump online and get the recipes. Now, if the Food Network only had a vegetarian cooking show....

Pasta Primavera from Giadadada de Laurentiiiiiis - Hey, I don't like her. But I never said I wouldn't use her recipes. I added fresh roasted pine nuts and it turned out great.

Garlic Bread from Michael Chiarello - This is a massive hit at my house. It honestly never occurred to me that I could make garlic bread that is just as good as the kind at the bakery. I used to use some kind of scary garlic spread that contained a ton of preservatives and gave me migraines. Never again.

Sauteed fresh corn from this episode of Barefoot Contessa- Another easy one that never occurred to me. Why spend 20 minutes flossing after you eat corn on the cob, when you can just shave off the corn into a skillet and saute it with butter, salt and pepper?

Seven Onion Soup from Emeril - We go through a couple onions a week at our house, so this was another big hit. I substituted vegetable stock for chicken stock and skipped the bacon to make it vegetarian.

Smashed Potatoes and Cream Cheese from Rachael Ray - This is the only recipe I've gotten from the Food Network that wasn't good. Like most of Rachael Ray's dishes it could have been invented by stoners with a limited list of ingredients. Actually, looking at the recipe now it sounds pretty nasty, but I was PMSing at the time and was craving some fat and carbs. The cream cheese and potato combo kind of tasted like spoiled milk. For the record, I put Miracle Whip in my mashed potatoes and they have gotten rave reviews from all corners of the world.

Oven Baked Parmesan French Fries - What can I say? I love potatoes. I baked these until they were super crisp and they were fantastic.

Easter Bunny Cake from Sandra Lee - Ha! Just kidding. But my boyfriend and I made fun of this cake for days after seeing it on tv. It was out of control. It looked like this except it was bigger and more ornate and came with a cocktail on the side.

Dave Lieberman makes me nervous

2005-10-20T17:15:00.000-07:00

I want to like Dave Lieberman, I really do. The concept of gourmet cooking on a budget is cool, and I like some of the food he makes. But he seems kind of twitchy to me, and watching him makes me nervous. For one thing, he seems kind of spastic in the kitchen. I just watched him take some dough out of a bag and he seemed to just drop the bag on the floor. He's not real accurate when he pours and his workspace is always a mess. Hey, I cook the same way, but I don't like watching tv cooks who have to push aside piles of crap to find a bare spot on the counter.

He also talks weird. It's as if he's throwing random periods into his sentences:

You can use any honey. That you like. Then I'm just gonna drizzle it in a little. Thread. And make kind of like a netting. Over the cantaloupe. Oh, yeah. That looks great. So now that that's done. I can go ahead and get started. On the perfect complement for my stew. Some quick beer. Bread biscuits.

You know who else talks like that? Christopher Walken.

Here's an example of the way Dave Lieberman sounds. Jesus, at least he doesn't talk in that monotone on tv.

Food Network in the news: It all comes back to Rachael Ray

2005-10-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

The Onion A.V. Club names Sara Moulton the most Underrated Food Network Chef. They're impressed with her personality and credentials (she attended the Culinary Institute of America and was Julia Child's protege), but I just don't see her appeal. I think she's stuffy and subtlely bitchy to the guests on her show. The piece also mentions that Rachael Ray was a Burger King spokesperson, which I missed completely. I would give anything to see one of her Burger King commercials, if only to make fun of it relentlessly. The only thing better would be to see her and the Burger King King mix it up! Maybe she could wake up in her house and find the King standing there with a BK Criossanwich. "How cool is that?!" Blech.

Rachael Ray is also featured in The New York Times today, complete with unflattering photos and chipper, down home reponses to her critics:

A favorite slam is that her meals take more than 30 minutes, which, especially for people with little kitchen acumen, they often do. They say she is untrained and relies on too many shortcuts, like shredded cheese and frozen French fries.
To which Ms. Ray says, they're right.

"I have no formal anything," she said. "I'm completely unqualified for any job I've ever had."

Rachael Ray haters are having a field day with this article, revelling in the fact that she was a cheerleader (come on, does that really surprise anyone?) and making snarky comments about her recent wedding (with more unflattering photos)

The most interesting Food Network piece today is at Harper's magazine (via Susie Bright). I'm a fan of the clever site Food Porn that relishes (no pun intended) in the similarities between food photography and porn photography. Harper's speaks with a porn photographer who has run porn and Food Network footage side-by-side to examine the similarities. Strategic lighting? Check. Weird angles? Check. No plot, so you can drop in and out at any time? Check.

Naturally, it all comes back to Rachael Ray:

Bob Tuschman, the Food Network’s senior vice president for programming and production, sat in his office, contemplating a dry-erase-board calendar on which he had filled in the shooting schedule for every hour of every day for the upcoming year. Even as they aligned the ground chuck downstairs, Sara Moulton and Jeff Kay and everyone else knew that Tuschman was monitoring ratings, watching videos of new talent, and obsessing over the recondite desires of that choice prime-time demographic, the eighteen-to thirty-five-year-old male can’t-cook-won’t-cook crowd – the men who like to watch. As people cook less and less, they ogle cooking shows more and more.

...

Of course, the girl next door [Rachael Ray] is not the only female porn archetype. For every Mary Ann there’s a Ginger, and the Food Network’s resident glamazon would be Giada De Laurentiis. Giada, Bob Tuschman explained, “has a huge following. She has filled out her skin and really fills out the TV screen.” Sara Moulton put it more reductively: “She’s eye candy.”

Giadadada de Laurentiiiiiiiis as glamazon? As the Food Network's femme fatale to Rachael Ray's femme fragile? No way. If there is a glamazon man-eater on the Food Network, it is the incomparable Sandra Lee. Sandra Lee is barely a cook, as is acknowledged by the title of her show, Semi-Homemade Cooking. Sandra Lee and Giadadada are both in danger of dropping a boob in the mixing bowl but only Sandra Lee has the audacity to make a cocktail with every meal. I saw her make a ridiculous bunny-shaped cake for her niece's birthday party, only to follow it up with a high octane cocktail for the mothers. Now that she's in the midst of a divorce, I fully expect Sandra Lee to be one of those single women who, when she gets home from work, pours herself a glass of wine and leans on the kitchen counter drinking it. For the entire night. That might sound depressing to some of you, but while Giadadada is out eating babies and shopping for v-necks, Sandra Lee is concentrating on more important things, like where to get her next buzz and, possibly, her next husband. Is there anything more anti-Rachael Ray than that?

Look how angelic and pure she looks here. Support Sandra Lee!

Sandra Lee is not to be confused with Sandra Lee Jose, female bodybuilder.

2005-10-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

Giadadada de Laurentiiiiiiiiiiis drives me crazy. Her food looks alright, but does she own anything other than v-neck shirts?

Look at how big her head is!

Her smile is so weird. It's huge and fake looking and a perfect rectangle. I think she has 92 teeth.

Holy crap, TVGasm is doing Giada Watch 2005, complete with hilarious stills and daily assessments of Giadadada's resemblance to Natalie Portman.

I guess you can get away with looking a little crazy when your father is film producer Dino de Laurentiiiiiiis, who has produced 155 films, according to IMDB .

Delicacy: Napa Style

2005-10-12T18:41:00.000-07:00

All hail Michael Chiarello!

He is the epitome of the television cook: relaxed, concise, down to earth, and funny. Women want to be with him; men want to be him. Mr. Chiarello is even thoughtful enough to mention his guests on his website! Oh, and the food he cooks looks DAMN GOOD.

Look at how relaxed he is!

Who else you trust more to show you how to entertain guests? NO ONE!

All Mixed Up

2005-10-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

I have mixed feelings about Rachael Ray. I can take her in small doses, but after about 30 minutes she starts to really annoy me. Could that be the reasoning behind 30 Minute Meals? Anyway, I have some things I'd like to say to her. I know the whole open letter thing is tired but then again, so am I.

Dear Rachael Ray,

I will smile and nod and defend you through your first 7 EVOOs, but after that I will join all my girlfriends in mocking you while simultaneously resenting your energy and success. Though you always tuck in your shirt like a late 80's preppy and I'm constantly waiting for the inevitable tucked-in sweater, I wish I had a smile as cute as yours. I start watching the show thankful that you seem so down to earth, but by the end of the show I'm convinced that you're just as phony as those kids I knew in high school that seemed to have perfect charmed lives only to end up drinking nail polish remover and dating 97 lb. heroin addicts. You find the neatest little cafes on $40 a Day, but I can't help but wish that once in a while you'd get a bad meal and stiff the waiter and have them come running after you on the street barking about how they work for a living and then you'd end up on the Shitty Tipper Database and I could read all about it and laugh.

You've moved out of the Food Network ghetto into an FHM spread and your own freakin' magazine. The FHM thing was just weird and it looks like they busted out the photoshop just a little bit (c'mon girl, you can tell me) but I have to give you props for launching your own magazine, joining the ranks of Oprah and Martha. I guess I see you a little bit as an Eve character, all charm and naievete until one day Emeril gets some Essence in his eyes and has to take some down time and all of a sudden you're like, "Oh no, I can cook Italian/Cajun and I'm even good friends with the Emeril Live Band," and next thing you know poor Emeril is at home crying red tears and you're permanently telling us to "Kick it up ANOTHER notch" while cocking your cute little head to the side

Perky is all well and good, but all things in moderation, my dear Rachael.

Love,
AC

PS - Call me if you ever want to dish about that ho Sandra Lee.

I spy with my little eye: DSL!

Ingredients

2005-10-11T18:35:00.000-07:00

I like:

Alton Brown
Michael Chiarello
Paula Deen
Emeril
Mario Batali
Sandra Lee
Ina Garten
Rachael Ray

Cooking/baking contests
The Next Food Network Star

I don't like:

Dave Lieberman
Giadadadada de Laurentiiiiiiis
Bobby Flay
Sara Moulton
Tyler Florence
Rachael Ray

Iron Chef/Iron Chef America
Unwrapped

Mark Dacascos is hot:

Preheating

2005-10-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

I spy with my little eye a coconut, a lei, a machete, some marijuana, and a yucca plant.

I've always loved cooking shows.

When I was a kid in the mid-80's, the whole family would gather 'round to watch Yan Can Cook on PBS. The food he cooked looked pretty sketchy to an 8 year old kid who was raised on beef, elk and ketchup, but Yan had a hell of a personality. But back in the 80's, especially when they didn't have cable in your area and your parents were too frugal and principled to buy a satellite dish, Yan was pretty much the only game in town¹.

In 5th grade we had an assignment where each student had to do some kind of demonstration in front of the class. One kid made a bird feeder, another showed how to balance a checkbook(!) and everyone else cooked stuff. I had some serious competition, but I knew I could bust out my cooking show wisdom on the class. I showed the class how to make spritzbakken cookies and I used the cooking show "trick" of having the dough and finished cookies pre-made. It was a rousing success, I got an A and no one got sick from eating the cookie dough that sat in my backpack for 7 hours.

Cooking shows were few and far between as a grew up, but I finally got cable for the first time in '99 and Food Network for the first time in '03. It was a revelation to watch all the different personalities, all the yummy food and decadent contests. I found myself watching more and more Food Network over the last few years, and now I'm at the point where the Food Network comprises at least 50% of all tv watching in my household. I don't love everything on the Food Network, and there are some glaring omissions (not a single vegetarian cooking show?!) but they run a pretty tight ship.

Now, on with the show.

¹ PBS did show Julia Child regularly, but I must confess that her appearance kind of freaked me out as a child. Additionally, I think I was already tiring of my beef and elk diet and her meat-heavy French dishes were overloading my system. I became vegetarian when I hit college, but I don't blame Julia Child.

I still enjoy ketchup